Grow the fuck up

I've decided today that I'm not allowing myself to get a new cellphone until I catch up on at least two bills and fix my windshield.

That's putting me at 60 days without a cellphone. Lucky for me my closest people (sans Mom and BFF) have iPhones so I can iMessage them for free... As long as I have wifi. I'm going to take my time paying Verizon bill off Because otherwise it may be three months before I can be all caught up. I'm so friggin tired of being broke. Having my phone cut off is such a relief. I don't feel like I'm being suffocated anymore. $90 for one person to have a phone is fucking ridiculous. I will never do that again.

I have got to start working out again. I feel bloated with Christmas cheer and it's making me self conscience. I don't feel pretty. I've got to put my foot down and demand some wii fit time, I guess. I need to go get my stuff to do I can get all my gym attire and my computer. Dear baby Jesus, I miss my computer! But I feel like I owe my friend a storage fee for my stuff so that puts me at a dilemma... I can now afford to go get my stuff but can't pay her too. Augh, it's the story of my life.

I hate dating in my hometown. Everyone has some bullshit to say or some opinion. I feel like my new relationship is being tossed into the ball pit at McDonalds and my previous relationships as well as their friends are in there too... And we're all trying to not bump into each other. It's frustrating. It also doesn't help that I'm not thrown into the gossip so I have no idea what's swarming around about me and can only anticipate when it comes full circle.

Another reason I'm okay with no longer having a phone-- no one knows how to get up with me. (Especially those I want to forget about me) I love not getting random drunk texts from exs or couldvebeen's. I like the idea of starting off on a clean slate. When I get a new number very few will get it. I'm ready for a mature life.

I plan on cleaning up my Facebook as well. I'm going to delete whole picture folders and change my info some. I'm going to detach my twitter from my Facebook too. I will be turning 25 in 2012... It's about damn time I stop acting like I have no idea about my endgame goal in life. I don't want to be a drifter anymore. I want to have a homebase and have someone to come home to.

I'm finding out you can be a grown up without having a mundane life. My future keeps getting brighter by the second and I want to be able to harness it's magnitude.

Happy Yule

I'm posting via my new iPod.

Gotta say... I'm pretty friggin excited about everything going on in my life right now.

Have you ever felt like everything was coming together? I thought I had before... I fear to speak too soon now but I can't seem to stop these emotions from bursting forth.

I've never had anyone be so sweet and so honest. I've never had someone be so persistent in wanting to be with me...

It's only been a couple weeks and I find myself writing love letters I'm too chicken to give to him. I am completely lost in him.

Yes, him. I never would've thought ether. Needless to say my family is elated at the prospect of me being in a relationship with not only a male but a much loved family friend. I've known him since I was 9 and reconnected with him a few years ago.

A series of events led up to me giving him a chance to take me out... I guess the rest is pretty obvious. I've felt like I've been in an ABC Family Christmas special ever since our first kiss.

Just for the sake of argument I don't think me being attracted to him has anything to do with him being a him.. But everything to do with how he treats me and makes me feel. I feel like it'd be wrong on my part to deny myself a solid chance at something good for me... Especially after my string of let downs and disappointments.

Also, I've decided to not think of my sexuality as a label and have removed myself from anyone that would judge me negatively because I choose to be happy.

In other news I canceled my cellphone so I'm phone less and I'm so broke I'm living off my tips for gas money.

Hooray!

Perplexed.

I feel like I'm not even really here.

I sleep in my 4yr old niece's bedroom on her spare bed.

At a house party at my bff's house I found myself getting a bit too friendly with a guy.

I'm brokebrokebroke. I'm cancelling my cell phone service. It's cheaper to buy out of it and suck it the fuck up.

There are 10 days until christmas.

I work at a sandwich shop now.

Okay, so I feel like I should elaborate on the second one. So basically I'm in my hometown, I have so much history here and know so many people. I've been struggling with how I feel about it all. I don't feel any less gay. He kept telling me he loves me. As in right now. I would try to say it back to him because I do actually love him... but not in the same way as he does for me, I guess. He means so much to me. He's not a bad guy. I actually really enjoyed us hanging out all night.... the other stuff was just drunken stuff, I guess. I mean, I wasn't all that tipsy but he was shwwwaaaasted. I'm lonely right now and I liked how he made me feel and in the morning I was without regret (Although he seemed full of regret) but I guess it did kind of make me question my sexuality. I mean, c'mon.... it was an ex that is a dude.... I've been dating girls for a couple years now. He's the last male I've done anything with... so of course I'm questioning myself.

I'm quite seriously at an intersection in my life. A little bit of my stuff is here with me, a big chunk of it is at my friend's house almost three hours from here and the rest got thrown away or sold. I have no bedroom. My last couple of relationships have been worse than those before. I'm caving in.

It's times like this that people start feeling like giving up... I've actually been in less serious situations in my life that have made me suicidal. This time is different for some reason. Maybe it's because I'm nearing my 25th birthday? I'm not sure. I just feel like everything is free game right now. I just have to unbury myself from these last few debts. I just can't seem to get out of debt. It's crippling. I'm tired of having late fees and budget down to the negatives. My entire life is based off of "If I could only pay this off..." and honestly I'm tired of it.

Okay, so I'm everywhere tonight. I guess I'm halfheartedly fucking up my sexual identification because at this point I feel like there is nothing else I could possibly do to make my situation any worse... and really, I appreciate any positive.... well... anything... right now. But like I said, I don't feel any less gay.

Also, I have had nightmares of becoming pregnant and explaining it to all my homo friends. It's nerve racking. I just... will stick to making sandwiches. Sandwiches are less complicated. Unless you are the BLT lady.

I hate the BLT lady.

Where now?

My relationship has ended. What could've been a quiet exit ended up being a very dramatic one. All tied up with a bow and the police being called.

Yes, seriously.

I've had the cops called on me.

For the first time in my life I had to tell the police I would leave peacefully.

I feel very confused about the entire situation. I will choose to forget it ever happened. I will begin the repression process and delete everything that ever reminded me of her from my life. That's how I heal when something happens so preposterous I can seem to compute it in my brain. It just won't fit. Like how a square peg won't fit into a circle hole. Same thing. Uh-huh.

So I packed up all my stuff with police supervision and turned my key... 

clickclickclick....

clickclickclick.... 

Nothing.

In my attempts to get everything out of the house, I had kept my hatch open for too long and it had killed my battery.

"Do you have jumper cables, ma'am?" The uniformed officer asked.

"Yes, sir." I nod, tears welling in my eyes.

"Then pop your trunk."

He jumps my car and I'm off. The two police officers that showed up to the scene seemed rather confused of why they needed to be there to begin with.... but since my ex is now in the hospital for attempted suicide and I wasn't the one to bring her to the hospital... word on the street is that I manipulated her into killing herself. (Just for clarification: my ex didn't succeed in killing herself and was in no real fear of losing her life.)

First off: I've had a close friend of mine commit suicide. I have a quote tattooed on me from a poem she wrote before said incident. Why the FUCK would I want someone else in my life to do such a thing?

Second off: There isn't a second, because the first off covers everything.

I'm beyond hurt at this point. I can't even be angry. I keep trying to make this individual's problems my own and I just.... can't. I cannot bring myself to feel guilt for someone that did something to themselves. Although I can understand why her friends are firmly against me and are taking my ex's words against mine. They're friends. That's what friends do. I get it. I just hope she realizes that people do love her and I hope she works out the mental issues she had going on that have nothing to do with me but she so sweetly blamed me for rather than just tell the truth.

Things I lost in this relationship:

-Buffy the Vampire Slayer (The entire DVD set.... my biggest loss)

-Some dishes

-Some home decor stuff

-Any hope/aspirations for ever getting into a relationship or even attempt at living with someone in a romantic way

Now... now I have to ask myself... where now?

Greensboro still?

Burlington?

Chicago?

Wilmington?

My parents house?

Paranoia

Paranoia is probably the least attractive trait there can be. Well, one of the front runners anyway.

I've had a panic attack last for hours tonight over paranoia.

Fear of losing all that I've wanted... all that I have... Fear of what could be yanked out from under me at any given moment.

Talk... the talk... the talk that needs to happen.

It's easy to give up when you're too weak to fight.

My chest caves in and I swallow hard... remembering that it's my insecurities that are ruining me. I can't blame my inner most hollow on anyone else. That's frightening all within its self.

It's a me problem, not a you problem.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Could I possibly be any more fucked up? All I wanted was to be in a solid relationship and now that I'm in one I'm fucking up for fear of fucking up... and then my insecurities are ruining me from the inside.

Fuckfuckfuck

Maybe tomorrow I can stop being such a fucking drama queen.

Yeah,

maybe tomorrow.

Words.

Words have more of an impact than people realize.

I love words. I have a dictionary app on my phone. I write. Sometimes I find myself spending an hour or more on the Merriam-Webster website looking up synonyms and Antonyms of words.

Words.words.words.

People take their words for granted. How they say them, how they place them... how they butcher them into non-recognition. Words shape countries, destroy homes and build up a small child when they are feeling down. Words fly through the air, invisible to the naked eye and silent to deaf ears. The spoken word, no matter what language, carries much more weight than anyone realizes.

Watch what you say to people and how you say them. Words aren't meant to be taken lightly but they are. Have you ever said something to someone that you didn't mean but knew it'd upset them? That is a prime example of taking your words lightly. Your words only mean less when you make them as such. Don't cheapen your most powerful weapon.

In these last few weeks I've thought much about my word usage. I have found myself arguing with my new boss quite frequently and his words are used as a manipulative tool to get what he wants out of his employees. While my words, are argumentative to his obvious lack of respect for his employees. (I will probably be fired.... I can feel it) My words get me fired more than not. You'd think I'd learn by now...

I've gotten into an argument with an acquaintance, "No hard feelings" she said while her eyes rolled. That, my friends, is cheapening your words. By lying you are cheapening the value of your words. By manipulating the true meaning of your words you are making the other person value your words less. It is easy to want to do this, to manipulate another by your words-- some even get away with it. You are using your words as a tool, as a muscle, as a power. Don't ever doubt the power of a word.

Doubting the power of words is like forgetting the air brings you oxygen. It's a given, it's something that happens mindlessly. You breathe, your lungs take in the oxygen and dispel the carbon dioxide with each exhale. What happens when the Air decides it'd rather give you carbon instead of oxygen? You choke, you pant, you struggle for oxygen. It's the same concept when you deny others the truth in your statement and skew your words with manipulations. You are taking their oxygen and replacing it with carbon. It's only in due time when they choke out and notice the manipulation-- for their salvation they will discontinue the exchange of words with you.... in search of oxygen.

Without words communication would become obsolete. Without word compilation there is no communication. Without a form of communication...

what are we?