Middle Finger Thrown.

The problem with being a free thinker and someone who doesn't want to conform to the universal idea of how to get money... I find myself broke, extra picky about finding a job... and constantly turned down because of my tattoos.

Okay, so technically I haven't been turned down directly about my tattoos but I've applied to a job, got the interview and everything seems koshery-good until she brought up covering my tattoos. Okay, I get it, socially a lot of "suits" don't like their peons covered in ink. I got it but I don't understand it and I find it offensive. I, of course, didn't let the interviewee know all that. I smiled and promised to cover my tattoos as needed. None of my tattoos are out-rightly offensive (Unless you don't like Disney movies, non-expletive poetry or find flowers and stars the bane of your existence.) I also have my lip pierced but haven't had a lip ring in just because I'm lazy. I often forget I have tattoos. Not because I feel they are unnoticeable... just because I don't feel like they define me. My tattoos are equivalent to make up to me, I just can't wipe them off and they don't smear when I cry. It's like your favorite necklace you don't take off, mine is just poked deep into my skin tissue. So... how would you feel if you went for a job interview and they liked everything you  had to say and finished up with a squinted expression, "Everything seems great... except that necklace. Can you tuck it in or cover it up while you're on our time? That'd be great, thanks. We just don't want others influenced by your ideas of beauty, that's all." I feel like they're asking me to put a bag over my head.... Who says a white girl never gets judged by her skin?

I get asked, "Would you have tattoos if you had realized it would cause people to prejudge you, especially in a job setting?"
My answer: "Yes."

That's my short answer, anyway. Yes. Yes, I would cover my skin in beautiful markings. No, I don't give a fuck if that means certain jobs won't take me. I don't want them, back! Yeah, take that! Middle finger thrown. Yeeeeaaaahh, I'm mature and stuff.

Sigh. Okay, so it does bug me. I really think I didn't get the job I got an interview for because of the manager's disgust with tattoos. So now I'm trying to find non-mainstream-esk jobs. So far I'm finding non-degree counselor for disgruntled and/or mentally-disturbed kids, middle man for placing exchange students and nanny for hire. I don't really want to work in a kitchen although working in Louisiana and working my way to Sous Chef in a creole kitchen sounds like a life-goal. I am also thinking of applying to Daiquiri bars.

But anyway. I am feeling this intense need to flex my music muscle. I want to get back into a music theory class. I want to learn the scales and be able to just pick them up from nowhere. I want to do something with that knowledge somehow. It may be all the coffee talking-- but I want to get a headache over sheet music and correct the wrong scale in a piece of music. I want to be able to visualize in my head the correct flow of tunes no matter what instrument is being played. I'm getting rusty and I don't like it. I feel like a has-been of what never was.




Also, all of my "dream job" ideas tend to return with little to no money.

Figures.

"I don't want to be ANYTHING like any of your exes!!!"

Augh, okay...

So, I'm a girl. Duh. But I must state that for very obvious reasons-- Girls have irrational ideas sometimes. (CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!)

Not wanting to be anything like your current's previous significant others is quite the irrational idea. It's also one that I am quietly struggling with. I'm struggling because I can see the rational side of it.

I'm getting married soon. Also, duh. One thing about marrying one of your close friends is you can recall how ever many years worth of previous significant others they dated freely in front of you. It was shameless because there was only a platonic relationship between you and whoever they brought around. (Well, at least in our case) I knew these girlscoughwomen that he dated before me. I spoke with them, they sought my approval and sized me up accordingly. I have never been intimidated by them and apparently that's intimidating. I, in some cases, got more into their brain than Hubby did. (It's a girl thing) I became their frienemy and got to know them. I remember picking them apart, quite often finding similarities between them and I. Sometimes it was unsettling how my likes were their likes and my hobbies were their hobbies. But then again, a lot of Hubby's likes were my likes and a lot of his hobbies were my hobbies.

Obviously things would stack with who he chose to date as well. Again with the duh

Now that I am romantically involved with him my angsty twelve year old hormonal self can't help but peck at my brain with all the usual paranoid ideas. If you are even slightly aware and female (Or male, I guess?) you know what I'm talking about. Those paranoid ideas just bubble up from within and you have to mull over them and shoot them down or address them aloud if they feel justified enough. Also, getting married isn't child's play. Marriage is not taken lightly by me and my relationship with Hubby is very much adult. I've known him long enough I was more than aware of who I was getting myself involved with. (Translation: My qualms in this post have nothing to do with him directly, I also know he religiously reads my blog, so I have to put that out as clear as possible. This is me just being a vagina.)

But anyway, I know a lot of girls feel this way. Correct? The whole: "I'm nothing like his exes, I don't even see what he saw in them!" Yeah, that. Well, ladies, I'm sorry to break it to you but that is quite irrational. Although I do want to say that all cases are different and you very well may be in one of those glorious "I'm completely unique to those of their past" things. Let me break it down.

People tend to stick with what they know:
If they grew up around intellectual types they will tend to date college graduates or someone with a prestigious career. If someone grew up primarily around a specific race or creed they will tend to date someone of that religion or skin color. If they reallyreally loved their mother or father they will tend to date someone resembling them. Or if they really hated their mother or father they will tend to date those that resemble nothing of them. That's the same with those that have a passion for something and they tend to surround themselves and date others with that common passion.

People tend to date what they like:
If they like poets, they will primarily date poets. If they would prefer red headed gym fanatics, they will stick as close to that as possible... Let's say Person A dates 10 people in their life time. Person A is a guitarist that prefers blondes that are also artistic in some way and loves dogs. It's safe to say Person A had 7 out of 10 that have lighter colored hair; likes dogs and either plays an instrument or does some sort of artwork either as a job or a hobby. Sounds logical to me.

If you've dated "it" before and loved/hated "it", then you will/won't date "it" again:
"It" being something: a trait, a hobby, a defining character of someone. Think: "I dated that guy Jake and he loved to go to the gym. I think it mellowed him out otherwise, so now I dig guys that go to the gym." So then you tend to date athletic people. Athletic people appeal to you. No shame, right? In that same way: "I dated this red headed chick Sarah and she was such a bitch and made all my friends don't want to be around me anymore if she was around. I refuse to date a girl named Sarah or red heads. She was a teacher too, no more teachers for me!" Same idea but on the negative instead of positive. Either way you are getting specific about the type of person you want to get romantic with. Also, no shame.


To the core I seem to reflect Hubby's taste in women. Visual appearances aside, I share a lot of their likes and hobbies as well as some of their personal/political views on things. Which makes sense. Being a vagina about it is letting that leave a nasty taste in my mouth and make me feel like a blow up doll with a common filling.

Since I am being a positive thinker and adult: I like to think of me being all the best qualities he found in previous girls all wrapped up in his favorite shaped box.... with my unique quarks and neurotic habits thrown in!

This theory works in both directions too, ya'know.

So this is what being a house wife feels like?

I've been in Louisiana for about a week. I'm officially moved here and terrified of driving.

We arrived in Louisiana around 7am last Tuesday. Very tired and very glad to be out of my car. Wednesday we spent way more money than anticipated on things just meant to make the apartment functional.

We wake up every morning smiling at each other... talk just as much during the day and then cuddle up on the couch at night and watch tv until going to bed. I've never been so happy to be broke in my life. Okay, so "broke" is a loose term. We're Hubby broke, not MY kind of broke. (There is a couple hundred dollars difference in that perception of "broke")

I keep trying to remind myself, "Everything is great to start out with... it's bound to not be as awesome at some point..." but I really don't see that happening. We are very much like we use to be but quite happier and there is romantics involved. It's nice to not be awkward around each other. I'm noticing the real relaxed Hubby can be, not what I thought his relaxed was. We also seem to have a sixth sense about each other. It's awesome.

Last Thursday I came down with something and have been coughing my head off all weekend. I've felt the best since then today. I've mainly got the Apartment together. The living room is basically finished and we only need random things sporadically around the apt to complete each room.... which I assume we will complete each room just in time to move again.

Other than, "Life is fucking amazingly awesome right now but slightly boring during the day because I do nothing but drink, watch netflix and now play video games while waiting on Hubby to get home." I have nothing else to report... O, and that I am in love and this feels absolutely right.

Uhhh... yeah... that is all.

I want both.

Ten days. One Zero. Ten. Ten days and I get to wake up next to him, cuddle him during a thunderstorm and nag him when I'm feeling bitchy. Sigh I cannot wait! I can tell that he's excited too, since his smiles are bigger on Skype as of late.

"You're going to miss those babies!"
I keep hearing from... well... everyone. It's true too. The twins I babysit have quickly become my entire life. My reason to get up in the morning, my smile when I feel like crying as well as my hair-pulling, snotty nosed cry babies when I'm already at my wits end. They cry when I walk out of a room, they make me feel needed.... they snuggle me close when they're feeling bad. I'm going to miss those little bobble heads like no other. It's not just the twins though, I'm going to miss their older sister, their mom, their dad, their Mama C and PawPaw. All of them. This family has been with me through the thick and thin. They have given me a place to stay when no one else wanted me. This family has given me a job when I was scraping by at a sandwich shop. This family has done absolutely everything for me, without hesitation, without asking for anything in return. Leaving them breaks my heart. I can't help but cry at the idea of leaving them at all much-less in need. The boys are still too young for daycare and too expensive to have in daycare, anyway. The boys don't like strangers but they took to me the first time I met them. Their older sister asks if I'm out of the house for longer than twenty minutes. I feel more apart of this family than I have any family, ever. Yes, even my own. They accept me for who I am and always wish me the best. They have showed me unconditional love (Not required by blood relation) and now I have my chance at also creating a family of my own. It's the dilemma of a life time. I've tried not to think about it. BFF (The twin's mom) and I don't speak about it... It's the elephant in the room that no one wants to acknowledge. I worry about them thinking I'm abandoning them. Is it too selfish to leave now? But staying hurts too. I feel like I'm happy with a thorn in my side. It's like gnawing my arm off to live another day. I want both things equally. To stay and be apart of this family and to go and start my own with someone who I've always had a very strong emotional attachment to.

I want both.

I want both.

I want both.

I've been going through the motions since I got back from my short visit to Louisiana. Sometimes I'm in the moment [with normal every day routine] and I'd think, "I've got to remember this, take a picture, cherish it... I'm about to move" and it still wouldn't feel real. As I'm nearing the single digits on my countdown, the realization has settled heavy somewhere in my pelvic region. (You know, where IBS lives.) I feel like it's a backpack when I run, a fly in my ear as I play with the boys and a heavy beating drum when I'm hanging out chatting with BFF. I don't feel doubt in wanting to live and be with Hubby, I feel guilt for being happy. Does that make sense? How can I be happy about something that will be taking me away from this new family that has stood by me for so long? Guilt because I've lost friends along the way and it doesn't bother me. Guilt because I'm so happy and quite frankly, I'm not sure I care who I lose in the process. (Well, accept the twins and their family. Everyone else can go fuck themselves for all I care.) Hubby means that much to me.... I hear that's suppose to prove you do have real love. The fact that the ones that matter supports us the most seems to be the shining factor.

This isn't a thinking decision, this is a decided matter. It's finally sunk in. It's real. This isn't a fantasy anymore. This isn't a day dream on a hot summer day in Greensboro... or a last thought before drifting off to sleep in the middle of winter....

This is real.

Holy shit, is it real.

Why We are Eloping

For one, Hubby and I have known each other for quite some time. Most of our communication and hanging out was done without informing the masses. Our friendship for the most part was private. Not because we felt we had to be secret, but because we never felt a need to blab it around town. Our time together was always special and outside populace was never a concern. Our mutual friends reacted both shocked and not-so-shocked at us announcing the news. They were shocked because no one realized how close we were and not-so-shocked because they could totally see us together.

I know I love him. I know he loves me. That is not in question. To us, we don't need an audience to prove our vows valid. Not to mention the gawkers that would show or the abundance of drama that could ensue from our drunken friends speaking to our relatives. "Remember when..." stories would rosy our cheeks super quick-like.

So I guess in a way, we are saving face and giving everyone the middle finger too. Not so much in a "Screw you guys, we don't need you!" kind of way but in a, "You guys are awesome but we would rather be alone for this." kind of way. So maybe the middle finger is just to our exes and those that were trying to keep us apart although we were friends with each other and we refused to stop txting and calling each other.

Don't take it personally. My grandmother (whom could lay an egg with excitement that I'm marrying a man) isn't invited to see the exchange of vows and legal signing of documents. That is saying something. Also, our mothers had the same excitement and glee, "I'm just happy you two found each other and will be married!" At this point they just want me to squeeze out a kid or two and us live under the same roof-- I don't think they really care about the rest. (It's all just a technicality to get married, really.)

Basically-- Us getting married is just a socially enforced thing that also enables us to do all those fancy things you're trying to keep gay people from. We want those fancy state/federally acknowledged things. Plus, I think he really digs the idea of me sporting his last name. Nothing to do with religion or if I wore white or not.... or what soandso said to soandso... and "zOmg, can you believe her hair?" Yeah... none of that. At least not on our dime. You can do that all you want from afar on Facebook. (Which, duh, will happen)

In two weeks we move under one roof.

C a n n o t       w a i t!

"Equal to what? To me? Riiiight."

First off, I want to make it clear that I live in the bible belt. There are some free thinkers here but we are greatly outnumbered by redneck ignorance.

"Are you going to remove your homo sticker from your car now?" My sister giggled as she asked me.

"No, why should I?" I question.

"Because, you're going to get married to a DUDE, you HETERO!" She insisted.

"Just because I'm marrying a male doesn't mean I don't agree that all love is equal. I'm not straight. I just ended up with a dude because he ended up being the PERSON for me. I advocate love. I'm FOR homos to be on equal footing." I said in between shoving pizza in my mouth trying to sound casual.

"Whatever, HETERO!" She joked back. I glance over and notice that my grandma is nervously laughing in the corner and my sister's kitchen has quite a few family members in it.

Good, I thought, they need to know I'm not one of them.

 I'm still me, I'm still carrying the same views: no matter what my "lifestyle" choices represent from afar.

I'm so annoyed.... [I keep trying to finish that statement but it just ends in childish finger pointing.] I don't consider myself straight. I just don't. I met a lady a few years ago that was married to her wife and very content but refused to settle with the title lesbian. "But you're married and monogamous to a woman! That's the same sex, you two are female! That makes you a lesbian!" Everyone at the house party would joke. She would scoff and shake her head, "No you idiots, that makes me faithful to the person I love, but I still find males attractive! Just because I'm married doesn't mean my sexual preferences have changed, it just means I happen to have found someone to love and that loves me back. They just happened to be the same sex as I am. That's all." I looked her right in the eyes as she spoke, secretly thinking she was a lesbian and should just accept it just like everyone else. 

But now that I am in her shoes I completely understand her sentiment. I watched a Brandon Teena story today and the people they interviewed made me cringe with disgust. How is it acceptable to question a transgendered individual how they can go around kissing someone of their same below the waist gender in an interview about being RAPED?! Don't even get me started on the war against women to begin with. The cop questioning him basically said, "Well, since you're lying to everyone about being a man when you actually have a vagina, you must have asked for this to happen." During his interview. I applaud Brandon for refusing to answer those questions referring to his gender identity and who he preferred to date. Brandon didn't have an identity crisis. He had an identity that everyone seemed to have a crisis with.

It infuriates me to no end that it is acceptable to question someone about their sexuality.... ESPECIALLY if they aren't inquiring because they'd like to be romantic with the person in question! The only time you should inquire someone's preference is if you wish to start a romantic or sexual encounter with said person. I cannot for the life of me come up with any other reason you would inquire or make comment in reference to the sex of another person's preference. Well, I guess if you're hoping to connect a friend or relative with a friend you might want to know but that's the only other instance I can come up with.

Basically: I don't see who I fuck has to do with how you make your eggs in the morning.

Why can't people just respect each other and live their own lives? I don't see why it has to be a common people issue.... simply because I don't see the issue. Civil Rights are meant for everyone. I believe with having a black president we have made a huge leap in the right direction for human equality.

Now if we could only get a female homo Latina in office, we might actually have some legit equality evolving!