I never thought it'd come to this. The writing of this blog, that is. I thought I could avoid this subject and pretend we're all adults here and all voids can be filled in with desired words and feelings and phrases. You know, the way most adults hide things they'd rather not talk about.
Also, I'm a bit chicken shit when it comes to confrontation that could/should easily be avoided. I just don't see the point in kicking up dust about something that is a done-deal. Over. Ship has sailed, ya know?
Okay, I'm going to stop with the vague prologue and actually start saying some other vague things that might mean something.
Many months ago Hubby and I were discussing the
"What if we got together" scenarios. I quickly clammed up and stammered out some bullshit excuses of why we wouldn't work out. He and I have known each other for years and never once said those words aloud. It was something that we would hint at or flutter some eyelashes at but never form those words. It was also an alien idea when someone would bring it to our attention that we obviously had an attraction to each other.
"Don't be silly." or
"Beth is gay." Would usually shut people up and excuse the idea graciously.
The truth is (
which is truly beside the point now and not really anyone's true business) long ago I was between relationships but still kind of involved with someone when I was invited to Hubby's old apartment years ago. I was at a fork in the road. My BFF at the time insisted I come over and meet her guy's roommate because we are eerily the same and in a rough remembrance of her words:
"Weird as shit in the same ways." I agreed because there was going to be new people and alcohol involved. Sounded like early 20s heaven.
I arrived alone but oldBFF was already there and made sure to tell me on the phone that Hubby was there and she was already talking me up. My personal love life was the perfect storm but I wasn't going there just to meet him, but if something was going to happen I'm never about stopping a good thing.... Plus, I was technically single. Long story short, I meet him and instantly jab my oldBFF in the ribs,
"He's shorter than you said." She snorted and just told me to drink more. He and I hadn't spoken even after me floating around the group of people in a tiny living room for over an hour. I figured he was greatly uninterested and thought I was ugly until I found out he had a girlfriend.
Okay, as a side note...
There were times in my life where a girlfriend hasn't stopped me from trying. That is bad for my image to confess, I'm sure. But seriously, who in their early 20s didn't give a shit about a vague mention of a girlfriend after lots of drinks and EVERYONE (Yes, everyone) in the room whispering in your ear to go for it anyway?
Now that I've confessed that "sin" I can continue. The night progressed and I always kept an ear out to over hear anything Hubby was saying. The usual shit talk between drinking buddies and then oldBFF loudly announces to the entire room, "Beth plays that weirdo World of Warcraft too!" Everyone turned towards me, sitting on the floor, talking to whoever. I nervously scan the room and notice he looked at me for the first time. Our eyes locked and I could feel my face turn red, I hoped it was dark enough in the room to hide how embarrassed I was. At the time I actually hadn't played WoW in over a year but that didn't matter to oldBFF, she was all about making me look like a fool in groups of people.
Fast Forward probably another hour and I managed to get Hubby and I on the couch together but we had a whole cushion between us. "You know, I won't bite. You can sit closer to me." He insisted. I slid closer, "Well wait: Horde or Alliance?" he asked. I said, "Horde, duh." As quick as I could trying to sound casual but not as crazy as oldBFF had made me out to be. We talked that entire night. For the most part we were in the same circle of people making general conversation until the party started to wind down. I tried to lay it on thick but open ended that I was roughly getting into a relationship with a girl that oldBFF hated. Well, oldBFF didn't hate HER, just her with me. Turns out oldBFF was right, but that's also beside the point at this juncture.
Let's go back to Hubby and I sitting on the couch. Think: small condo living room with easily 20 people scattered about. They smoked in the condo and I was the only one that didn't smoke. It was hazy and packed in there. When he spoke to me I just wanted to hear him talk more. I wasn't sure how much alcohol was speaking for me but I did know that I definitely appreciated his views on things and wanted sober time with him at a later date. I was captivated. I blamed it on the alcohol and found myself in his bedroom. After being shut down three times because of this flimsy reference to a girlfriend (who didn't sound exciting) I acquiesced and took my denial with grace. He didn't even kiss me or touch me in any inappropriate way. I even slept on the floor most of the night because he was terrified his girlfriend would break up with him and I was hopeful she would. He was a gentleman of the 21st century. I was baffled, hurt and out to prove he'd regret that decision for the rest of his life. I also had decided that he thought I am ugly.
Fast Forward to a couple months later, we all move into this huge house downtown. Including Hubby and his girlfriend that was previously mentioned. By that point she had confronted me about that night and since I was an easy four years older than her (and two feet taller) I found her to be more like a hurtle to Hubby than an intimidater. She did have her good qualities about her though... mainly the ones I could see in myself that she also had. That sounds snotty, I know, but I'm talking in the moment. I had to see them kiss and be cute together. By that time Hubby and I had spent more time together and our conversations had more depth to them than video games. I got into a relationship with the girl that I was rocky with before and she hated Hubby with every bit of everything she had in her. It made hanging out with him even in a group very difficult but I did it anyway. She seemed to hate anything and anyone I was associated with anyway so what was someone that meant a lot to me? Worth it.
Fast Forward a couple more months. I had moved out of the big party house because I couldn't take it anymore but was still rather close to the old house it's self. My birthday rolls around. I have a new girlfriend and the old housemates shows up to celebrate with me, sans Hubby. He also had a new, very annoying, live-in girlfriend and a new place. I'm very unhappy with everything in my life. Everything. Even the new apartment. My new roommate wasn't working out and new girlfriend was a raging alcoholic. I drank a lot. My bar tab was easily over $200 and a lot of it I didn't pay for. Wasted, I text Hubby and give him shit for not being with me on my birthday. My new girlfriend takes the phone from my hand and gets us to come over to his house after the bar closed. I am literally crying, begging her to just take me home because I couldn't handle seeing him with another girl. She was not happy about that at all. I get there and I'm so belligerent I get shoved on the couch with his new girlfriend. I close my eyes and try to make it go away but I can still hear his voice and feel his couch beneath me and can hear our girlfriends talking. I remember talking very loudly in my head and shutting down. I woke up the next day in the spare room with his door closed. I knew they were in there together and kept telling myself I was just as bad because I woke up in someone else's arms. I remember doing everything I could to leave before they emerged from the same room together. I got my wish but before we could get to the stop sign he texted me and asked why I had left so quick. I just told him I needed to be in my own bed, which was true... but I couldn't express my disgust and sadness. I spent that whole next day in the dark, very hungover and depressed.
Roughly three months later I broke up with new girlfriend, reconnected with old girlfriend and moved four hours away... alone. I reconnected with old girlfriend because I was lonely, nothing more. I tried to forget everything about my hometown and those wasted relationships and dwell on other things: my emotions and my views on life. Also, how to be alone. Truly alone. Not emotionally attached to anyone and certainly not exclusive with anyone. Old girlfriend was driving up to see me almost every weekend and she just made me more depressed. I couldn't shake her. She wouldn't go away. She wouldn't get it. "You're in love with him aren't you? Or is it a new girl here?" She would snidely ask at every opportunity. "It's no one, but it isn't you either. I just want to be alone." I'd tell her. Then I would dwell on Hubby for days and ask myself if I really did love him. At that point we rarely spoke, I was trying to make him a part of my past because we never had a clear future.
Fast Forward a year later. I'm still living four hours from the town I had met Hubby in but we still communicated via facebook and had started texting once or twice a week. I finally worked up enough nerve to ask him to come visit me. "I've moved to Louisiana for work." He says, "That's seventeen hours from North Carolina." He says. My stomach sank. "I'm single now." He adds. I gulp. Unsure what that meant for me, why mention it? Is that something people who reconnect talk about? I decided it was just small talk. "Are you single?" he asks. I give him the abridged texting version of telling old girlfriend to fuck off and that I was trying to be single and repair myself so I can be ready to date again. "That's real mature of you. You always seemed more in touch with yourself than anyone else out of the Real World House." (That's what he calls the big party house we all lived in) I exhaled. It was just small talk. He didn't want to date me after all.
Five months later I have my epiphany and feel ready to date again so I start "Putting myself out there" as they say. Primarily for girls, but hopeful for Hubby. "I'm dating a girl I met at work." He says. Oxygen leaves me. "We spent a weekend in New Orleans, it was great." He says. "O yeah, and do you remember [name removed]? We dated some before I moved here and she's talking about coming to visit me." Real tears. I was sitting at my hotel job fighting back full-blown sobs. I had no words. He went in depth about both interactions with those females, which isn't unlike our previous conversations but at that point amongst my search for inner peace I had unearthed my very legitimate crush for Hubby. I also had accepted that I would never have a chance with him, but still hearing about those trysts was very difficult for me. I remember drinking a whole bottle of wine after work that night and not talking to him for days and being real short with him to try to make the conversation stop. About a week or so later he calls me and we talk for hours before I pass out. I remember crying while on the phone with him, very quietly, one tear at a time. "I miss you." He says, "No... I mean, really miss you, Beth."
Shortly after that I tell him I'm moving back to my parent's place because my attempts to replace him were futile and I had found myself to be homeless once more. Well, I left the part out about him out. "You know that offer for me to help you move out here and live with me is still open, you know. As roommates. I miss living with you. We could get married too... for health insurance, you know." I laugh at him, he had sang me that song days before confessing his New Orleans trip and being with a mutual friend of ours. I thought he was mocking me. No thanks, I tell him, it's time I face the music and go home. I've pretended I can do this by myself long enough. "Yeah, you suck at whatever you're trying to do there. You won't last long at your parent's place. The offer never closes. I'm here when you need me. I worry about you." He says.
That was Thanksgiving, by Christmas I was dating a dude I had known since my preteen years. We had only been unofficially spending time together for a couple weeks before it fell apart. "That guy that you're always texting and talking to on facebook, anything go on with him that I need to know about?" Dude asks during one of our many exit arguments. "No, but maybe I should take him up on that marriage offer he's kept throwing my way. Even if he won't ever love me it'd be better than this." That's the moment my brain fired off and I could see myself being with Hubby, without restraint, without bullshit... just us. Together. Suddenly the last couple years seemed worth the struggle if I could be with him, in any capacity. "Yeah, I should call him." I say on my way out.
By this time I was living with BFF and her family and was their nanny. I loved that family already and they loved me, so it seemed like a legit move. I had also canceled my cellphone because I couldn't afford the bill. I was at rock bottom. My family and I weren't getting along as well. I was once again feeling the sadness creep into my brain like a dark electrical storm. Small flashes of light only highlighting my failures. Very intoxicated, freshly moved into BFF's place, I figured, what the hell? Might as well make it worse. I use my iPod touch and send Hubby a message on facebook and explain that my phone number had been turned off the day before Christmas Eve and if he wanted to contact me it'd have to be via facebook and "O yeah, I really find you very attractive and would really like to take you up on that marriage offer." This time he thought I was joking so I unleashed how depressed I was and how my life was in shambles and the only time I felt whole was when he was in the same room or I could hear his voice or that little noise my phone made and I knew it was a message from him. Then I added, "Don't think I'm settling for you because settling makes me think of a last resort, when really I feel like you're the only idea I've been trying to pretend I didn't want. I want to be with you. Even if it's a roommate or fake wife. Just please, let me see you every day. Can I please see you every day? And if you have a girlfriend right now, I guess everything I just said sounds extremely lame and I'm very intoxicated, sorry. I will stop digging myself into a hole and go to bed now." Turns out he didn't have a girlfriend and he shared my same sentiment.
The rest is history.
I came to visit him in Louisiana and it was like my whole world made sense. I came down the escalator at the airport to see him clutching coffee in one hand, other hand in his pocket and his eyes locked on me for the first time. I felt like he was really seeing me for the first time and I was seeing him. No hazy condo living room, no conversation leaned over his girlfriend (or mine), not anymore miles dividing us. Nothing in between us... except maybe a limo driver we had to dance around before I was able to push my body against his in a hug, "Nope." He said as he slid my face to his and our faces connected for the first time. Our first kiss. So many years ago denied from me. Our lips met and I knew I could never be apart from him again. The room stopped moving, my leg went up, fireworks burst all over the world. All of that. He wasn't a tainted idea in my head anymore, Hubby was real and legitimate. His shaky fingers clutching his cold Starbucks cup let me know he wasn't faking his intentions with me. His flushed red face as I leaned in for another kiss made me realize he really does have feelings for me. "You really want to be my wife?" He says before we even get my luggage. "Yes, I do." I reply.
Okay... so... why tell you all of that?
Simple: I've taken so long to get to where I'm at and be with Hubby. I've had to put up with his Ex-Girlfriends and various in-betweens for years along the way. I'm done. Got it? DONE. I deleted all of his ExGFs and in-betweens from my Facebook (Even if I have absolutely no problems with them and knew them before they connected with Hubby) I hold no ill-will towards anyone he's been with. Especially because we were friends and I never once told him how I felt about him through all of that. He is not at fault and he is still welcome to be friends with them if he wants. I'm not into controlling anyone. Free will and all that. I got it. But, I do deserve to be with him without hurtles anymore. Without outside worries. I was so jealous of all of those women for so long, it's hard to shake that emotion when this is still very new to me. It's new to wake up to him and have him come home to me every night. It's new to me to have him tell me he loves me. It's new to me to not have hurtles between us. Let me have no hurtles, okay? Give me a break. You had him before me, I understand that, but I have him now and I'm never letting go. Your opinions of such will not sway me. You've got to remember, I was there the entire time you were with him, I know more about him that you ever will. I'm not saying I will ignore these women for the rest of time, but I definitely will be avoiding them for the first year at least. For my own mental stability and self-righteousness.
So back the fuck off, k?
