The Clean-Up

I arrived in my hometown at 3am yesterday morning, woke up around 7:30am and worked in my mom's yard until around 7pm. There is still a HUGE tree down in the backyard, but it's tucked behind the barn and isn't so bad. My uncle and cousin came out to help with the clean up. We hauled large limbs with rope and the fourwheeler. It was hardwork but still a lot of fun. We talked, joked and all got sunburnt together. I have cuts and scrapes all over.

That night we fired up the grill and had about a dozen people milling around the house, my mom is the only on in the extended family that still has power. My dad's mom had 4ft of flooding on her lower level where his sister was staying. (My aunt lost everything) They showed up to get some food and take a shower. The pained expressions on their faces was deeply creased in and you could tell they were distracted by what was waiting at home for them once they left my mother's powered, well-fed home.

The feast was supplied by the contents of my sister's fridge and freezer that is slowly going bad in coolers on the patio. My mom's fridge is stuffed to the brim, trying to save anything we can. I'm so well fed I can barely move. Out of the 3 different meat versions of burgers, chicken breasts and a rather large pork loin we grilled there was only one burger and a couple slices of pork loin left. Everyone was grateful for the opportunity to chow down in an air conditioned enviroment and my sister was happy that the food didn't end up in the trash. The local fire dept is giving away bags of ice and bottled water. We're using bottled water to make coffee, freezing them to keep the food in the cooler from spoiling and drinking them with gusto as we haul peices of nature out of our way.

I saw my mom mom's house for the first time today. It is devastating and she still has her house. So many have lost much more than she has, and it's still very painful to see. My grandmother has lost a barn and a couple 100yro+ trees... but we're all very grateful they fell away from the house and no one was hurt. I've only been as far as my parent's house and this entire neighborhood is trashed, there is a tree in someone's house 3 doors down, there are trees cut in the middle so you can travel on the road. There is a tree against the church I grew up in and downed powerlines everywhere. There is a group of five electrical vehicles going around working as a really large group to pushed erect the leaning powerlines and reconnect/mend the fallen lines.

My middle school is closed. Done. Finished. The flooding was too bad, they are saying if it does open it may be well after christmas due to repairs and replacing the floors and walls. It has to be gutted. (Everyone is 80% sure it will be condemned and have to be knocked over) Teachers are being shifted or losing their positions, they are splitting up the grades amongst the primary, highschool and elementry school buildings. There is absolutely no school for anyone until next tuesday. In the district I went to school in there are people who now have foundations of their houses and nothing else. They lost more than the contents of their fridge and a couple trees, they lost everything they've ever worked for.

Like I said, I have not gone that far in the county but just seeing my childhood neighborhood gives me an idea of how terrible it is farther down in the county. We've pulled together as a family and a community. My uncle who helped us clear my mom's yard up is being pulled in so many directions and is trying to handle the guilt of not being able to help everyone who asks him. His sidejob is lawncare and right now everyone wants his attention whenever possible. As we stood in my grandmother's yard, jagged tree limbs towering over us he spoke of feeling the weight of not being able to help everyone who has been asking him... he felt like he wasn't helping anyone at all. He didn't count cleaning up the yards of his family as help... that was just a given. Being able to clean up other people's yards, that was helping.

I know that deeper in the county will be a slow recovery but they will recover. I feel for them and hope them the best.... I also wish I had more than just words of encouragement for all of them.

After the storm

I've had too much coffee, too much sleep, and never enough food. I'm shaking, my heart feels like it's trying to escape via my throat and all I'm doing is dancing in place to keep everything in check.

Irene came and went quite peacefully in my part of North Carolina. The wind blew in circles and pissed the trees off that hang over my balcony. The night of the hurricane was quite amazing for me... I sat on my balcony for most of the night having very good conversation with very good company. Needless to say that while I was having the most amazing night of my life my family was being pummeled by mother nature as Irene tossed trees around like an angry toddler.

Cell phone service cut out. Power was lost. Even internet shut off. Trees falling around my parent's house, my grandmother's house and my sister's house. The wind blew sideways and the rain flew around like angry darts. "This has been the worst hurricane I've ever experienced" said my mother, who has never strayed too far from her mother's house about 2 miles down. I missed it. Thankfully, but regrettably as well. My grandmother banked on the idea of some undesirables spending time with her through the hurricane... of course they flaked. As trees lay inches away from the house, my uncle and cousin rescued her and brought her to my mother's house so she wouldn't have to spend the rest of the hurricane alone. Thankfully no one was hurt in this effort.

I've seen pictures of my favorite park in my hometown under more than 13ft of a swollen Neuse River and rain. Facebook feeds filled with "Evacuating west, pray for my family" and pictures of fallen trees over the road, squished cars and large bodies of water that aren't meant to be. Disaster, devastation... stories of people swimming to the post office begging for rides to safety...

I come from a town that thrives in hurricanes because it's the most excitement all year... but after Katrina something changed. I was actually dating someone during Katrina and they lived farther inlet than I. Their entire house was flooded, lifting the house off the of its foundation, floating a couple inches above the concrete structure... then slammed the house down, cracking both structures in half. It felt like I was walking through a movie scene. Soggy carpets, we tried for 3hrs to get to that house, so many flooded roads we couldn't get through... passing people on canoes, paddling away, on or in the road. Katrina was one of the worse storms I've experienced and my mother said Katrina was just childs play compared to Irene. Now, when a hurricane comes people evacuate like they're told, buy out Food Lion and get their radios ready.

My middle school and high school have been flooded. My middle school has been flooded before, 6ft during Katrina, I can only image how deep Irene took it swimming. I've had to stop looking for information on the angry left overs of Irene. It makes me cry. I see pictures of places I've frequented for most of my 24yrs totally under water, covered in trees or otherwise disrupted. The local Harris Teeters are giving away ice and water while their stores are closed. If you have twitter, visit the hastag #NCIrene for personal accounts, to-the-second updates, pictures and other things that have made me cry in the last 24hrs. There are also facebook groups you can be a part of for more information about how to get help or just to share your stories of survival.

What most people aren't realizing is how bad the bugs are. That's something the news doesn't really touch on. They talk about the clean up, they show these terrible pictures... but they don't show how nasty and thick the bugs are right now. My entire childhood neighborhood and surrounding areas are, quite literally, a temporary marshland right now. It's perfect for mosquitoes and other nasties. The CDC has a page of information about how you should go about protecting yourself after a natural disaster and what to notice with certain bites.

Don't be afraid to ask for help... everyone needs it right now. Also, don't be afraid TO help. Being there for each other is what community is all about.

Please click the links, I hope they prove to be helpful in some way!

xoxo,
SallyD

At Square One

This is me... giving up. For real this time. I'm putting it into words so that maybe I can feel I have taken part in pushing those away that have left. Did I push them away? No, I pulled too hard. I've been pulling when I should've been pushing. (We'll just pretend that sentence isn't as awkward as it really is)

I'm through with the sadness, I'm through with the yearning. I will be me and you will be you. I will wade through my muck and look for my shine, the shine that could get me noticed. The shine that broadens those lips into a smile... the shine that I had a hold of but recent events have hidden it from me, once again.

Here I am, at square one... blinking away tears and turning away from love. It's easier this way, it's safer. My heart can't take much more. I'm putting it through hell and truly making myself look terrible at every turn.

I'm over it, I'm done. I would like to say you won. It's a game that we play with each other, a fishing game in a sense. I toss my bait out just to reel it in to discover I have caught nothing but an old boot.... while those around me are catching the most beautiful, beautiful beings... and even a few extra when they already have a stack in their boat. I'm putting away my rod and reel... I'm hiding it from myself once more.

"Don't give up on love!" they plead. The irony of the source... I give a smug smile and say, "But it's just not my turn." I'm not giving up on love, per se... I'm just not trying anymore. Obviously, I'm doing it wrong. When I do things wrong I like to correct them or stop doing whatever it was to begin with... I tried fixing it and yeah, to no avail... so here I am... giving up. This is my moan and groan and sadness that is leaking out. To expose myself.

I always expose myself.... from the heartbeat out. I spill my dreams, my woes, my bruised heart... It's too much. Too much. I don't need pity, don't want it either. I will just let my heart beat on the outside with solitary drumming once more. This is my blood spilled onto canvas. This is my tears on pages.

This is my resignation from the chase.

I dream the craziest things....

I blocked out her last name and picture just because... well... I did. Didn't know if she wanted to be outted via my blog. I will try my best to maybe translate the dream into what I think it might of meant...

Everything I've read about dreaming of being inside a church has something to do with needing guidance and looking for someone to help with such. Also, being inside a church represents the need to find someone to help transition into a happier place. (Kati, you can take that any way you like. heh) Furthermore, since a church is a moral place it is possibly to have the feeling of straying from an original path due to moral wrongs or deception that has taken place.

I couldn't seem to find "rude" in any dictionary and I decided I would focus on how I felt in the dream in response to the rudeness. Anger is what Kati represented in the dream, so I did look that up. It just said that by having anger in the dream it was an anger that has been repressed in the waking hours. Every time Kati was rude to me in the dream I could feel the swell of shame and sadness in my heart. Shame signifies guilt during the waking hours, as well as having minimal integrity and how it is actively damaging the way people see me. Being sad in the dream expresses the fact that if I am ever again to feel true bliss, I am to discontinue all negative thoughts. (All very on point)

What I didn't tell Kati was that I viewed her as an ex-lover [in the dream]... but I never felt in the dream that we had actually been in love or even had sex prior. (I know for a fact that we have not done either of those things in the waking hours... That, I would remember.) I also read what it means to dream of an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend and came up with nothing that really fit... So I looked up Crush (as in, "to have a crush") and apparently, I am either repressing my crush that I have on Kati or she is just embodying someone I do have a crush on and I either can't accept it (or acknowledged it) and I need to let her know about it... or the crush she may be forcing me to acknowledge. The fact that Kati snubs me in the dream resembles me dealing with that in my waking hours, I'm mentally preparing myself to get let down... again... by someone I have a crush on. (That, my friends, is eerily on point) It also touches on my constant insecurities of a crush not liking me back and the reality of how it will make me feel once the fear is confirmed.

The only thing I could find about a mattress is that it represents a stage of life. Bed comes up with a big more in-depth stirring of ideas. To dream of my own bed is security and the need to settle down. Also, a bed represents my need for domestic bliss. (Also, on point) The fact that it's a single mattress and in the dream they were separate leads me to interpret that as I am keeping a balance of who I allow in my bed, but the fact that we're still in the same room, a rather large bedroom if you want to think about it, touches on my sexual desires. Since we just had a small mattress on the floor the term Pallet symbolizes an estranged relationship and parting between lovers. Kati and I aren't close at all... so maybe that's the estranged relationship?

The boxes of artwork represents the collections of aspirations, ideas and past reflections that I'm trying to contain onto canvas and keep organized. It's something I'm willing to explore but only at my own pace. The fact that it was the only thing else in the room as to hold some semblance to keep true to myself and my self-expression while I pursue another.

I'm glad Kati has been such a good sport about this and I hope I truly didn't weird her out too much.... especially since we aren't all that close to begin with.

xoxo,

SallyD

The Silence

I gave you poetry in theory earlier... and now I'm giving you actual poetry. Now, I haven't written a poem in quite some time since high school... but a few months ago I produced this. I was at work and something in me made me write this down. I only shared it with two other people and now it's your turn. I thought I had trashed it but it was neatly tucked in between some World of Warcraft boxes... go figure? It doesn't actually have a title as I didn't expect to have enough balls to share it with you guys. Tell me what you think... or don't.

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The silence is ever creeping

Creeping in the ever ending

The realm of no prevail

A square world amongst round

Round ideas, round aspirations

Dancing is all that's left in the mind of an artist

The eye of the creator is prismatic

Dreams one with wonder

And two with pain

The silence is ever creeping

Creeping in the ever ending

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So there ya go... you've now experienced something I would've otherwise kept hidden. Does that mean I'm growing as an artist? Well, I'd like to think that... so I will.

Peace,

SallyD

ps- I paired the poem with a picture I took of Fort Macon a long while ago.... although they weren't really were inspired by each other.

Owie, my muscles hurt.

I went to the gym today for the first time in weeks. It was like reconnecting with an old friend. I tried to do as much as possible that I don't do at home. My arms ache and my butt muscles aren't so happy... but I feel delightful. I've been such a complaint-filled bitch lately and I hate myself for it. I mean, really, there are better words spent via txt. So, I'm sorry. Bitching and moaning should be for this blog, and this blog only.

I went to Earth Fare today and got some yummy Broccoli and Cranberry salad. It was the best dessert ever to go with my Mediterranean sampler thingy that was sooo big I couldn't finish. I'm on a humus kick. I wanna eat it all up. Ooo, yum. Falafal always helps too. Now I'm so stuffed I can barely move.

Monday is my only day off... at least it's in the middle of my work week, I guess? Silver lining, anyone? I will probably stay at home and catch up on all my TV Shows... I have too many of them and I feel like it's consuming my life. My last few days off have been spent getting really, really drunk and I need to take a break on that. I mean, it's all good and stuff because it's with this really amazing friend of mine.... but I need to chill out on that shit. It's ridiculous. 

Oooo! Ooo! Ooo! I have, in my possession, train tickets to Chicago, IL. Hooray! It will also be my first time on a train. I can't wait. I leave the 5th of October and don't get back to NC until 1am on October 11th. I better get that time off of work because well, I'm going either way. I have given them plenty of notice. I just hope to keep my job until then. They are driving me batshit crazy. But either way... tickets are bought, I'm going. I'm uber fantastically happy about it. My friend Sarah lives out there and she is always a good time. I also have the possibility of something else mighty great while I'm there... but we will see if I don't fuck it up before it even gets off the ground. I fear I may have already planted the seed of failure. I can't keep a fucking daisy alive but I can plant some discomfort like a motherfucker. (Go Figure)

Well, anyway... this is a quick blog because I need to shower before work and my time is running thin. I just wanted to tell you a few exciting things that are happening in my life. Also, this is my first month not making a car payment! I feel like I have so much money I don't know what to do with it.... but I still can't manage to pay ALL of my bills this month... O well, those tickets to Chicago are more important than Bank of America. (Bank of America can suck my dick)

Maybe I will write something pretty later, who knows? I'm taking a notebook to work tonight... if they tell me I can't write while on the clock I may lose my shit.

kthnxbai