Emptiness.

I can't shake this feeling. The sadness. The woe. The disparity. The empty chair across from me mocks me.

What am I doing here? Why am I spinning my wheels?
Question.
Question.
Question.

Reading Anaïs Nin will be the death of me. Her stories of finding herself through her husband's money and other men's perceptions. Recreating herself and conforming to each man as if he held the key to who she truly is. It saddens me to know that this is what most females do... And why I remain emotionally unattached through most of my adult life.

Okay, so not all legitimate relationships are defined as man and woman. (And I don't like pretending like the rest of the world that only the opposite sex can have real love.) Only in context of Anaïs Nin do I speak of the dynamic of lost self and seeking self via opposite sex... Well, sex. She does it all wrong and so realistically human it's amazingly beautiful. It's like graffiti on a condemned building.

For a large part of my life I've felt very alone. Although my complaints seem loud and annoying up here there are many times I was pleased with my solidarity. It only got lonely when I was reminded of the shallow loveless sex I was having induced by large amounts of alcohol and fellow loneliness. Maybe I see the flaws in the character of Sabina because I lived them. I live them many times over. In search of self I escaped into brief moments of lust and lingering desires of a heart un-quenched by life.

That damn empty chair.

I have driven an hour out of my hometown for coffee and to sequester myself to my thoughts. Clear my head... Only to make it more cloudy. Clarity only comes when it is undesired. Now I am highly caffeinated and feeling alone by my own hand. I was going to treat myself to dinner and a movie. (The usual treat for sadness and needing a distraction... A date by myself) I find myself yearning for my counterpart in the most embarrassing of ways. A thousand miles between us and what am I waiting for? Days to come and go, a couple more hours on the paycheck... My heart to burst and death to bestow its last laugh at my attempts of happiness.

I spent all weekend torn in two directions. Should I stay or go? I'm staying for selflessness and wanting to leave out of selfishness.... But why stay when the selflessness is going unnoticed by those you want to notice?

My dire need to be respected and loved by my family seems like a hamster wheel of failure. I run, chase and grit my teeth to no avail. I fear the only ways of succeeding would leave me stifled and ripping my hair out day dreaming of so much more life to be lived. I'm more than a picture frame, I am the picture within the frame bursting to move and be free. I am the distant horizon in a visage so brilliant in colors you have to squint to witness it.

"Be the change you wish to see in this world." Yes. So true. Smile because you want others to smile... Take yourself on dates because you can never depend on another to do it for you... Because you shouldn't have to depend on another to make you smile. If there was anything I could ever teach someone else it's to love yourself first an treat yourself better than anyone else could treat you. You first, everyone else second. So when you do find love you know the standard they should keep: your own.

I'm just rambling.... Staring at an empty chair at a Starbucks in a tiny beach town in the middle of winter.

Its only the matter of waiting.

The wind whirls angrily around as if seeking revenge on the entire population in my small town. Right as the sun slinked it's way under the horizon the cloud bore bold warnings of a very angry Mother Nature. I hunched my shoulders trying to evade the coldness creeping into my soul.

Life has been bumpy but in the proper direction. I had sidetracked myself with busy-ness so's not to notice the eggshells I had been treading on, or the evasive action towards self preservation. I entertained myself with unjourneyed roads and journeyed them just to find another dead end.

How is it that when you are at a loss with what you want all the loose ends don't seem so pertinent? It's when clarity settles in when you realize the wreck of a life you have created for yourself.

What a disaster.

Still living at my sister's place on her couch. Since late November. It is now February and all I have to show for myself is new outfits and a crappy T-Mobile phone. I have enough money for food and gas now and even some bills if I'd actually go through the process of giving up the goods to corporate America. I also very often forget I have money in a bank account now. It's quite an adjustment.

I fell down the stairs today. I had been sleeping on the floor in an upstairs bedroom (that doesn't have a bed in it) at my sister's house. I had three songs on repeat that I changed every thirty or so minutes.

Slow Me Down - Emmy Rossum
When I Grow Up - Fever Ray
The Fox - Nikki and the Dove

Each song easily got thirty minutes each on repeat as I fought being alive. I didn't even bother changing out of my sandwich shop uniform. I just collapsed on the floor and used a pillow I had in that room. Gloom. Doom. Emo swoop sadness.

After some time I felt quite ridiculous and decided to get changed and get out of the house. I took my time and didn't dress to the 9s but I did put on my newly purchased clothes. I was making my way down the stairs when I slipped about 3/4ths of the way down. I felt the impact of the bottom step against my coccyx. Everything went white and I screamed loud enough I had to cough to get my voice back. I sobbed and looked down at my contorted legs and the tips of my fingers burned from trying to grab the rail to no avail. I looked out into the living room, it was empty. The TV was even off as if it could have given me some kind of condolence. I took a deep breath and wiggled my toes. I slowly got up and realized the pain in the middle of my back and my tailbone. I whimpered to myself and eased myself on the couch to continue my childish sobbing.

How dare my life put in a physical analogy of my silent suffering. Just as you get the strength to overcome there are always some stairs you will fall down first.

My thought at the bottom of the stairs was: "This isn't rock bottom, but it is quite literally the bottom of somewhere."

I sobbed for a few more moments and composed myself. Today is just a day and tomorrow will be another. Life can be at its worst and you can be at the bottom of the stairs all alone.... but at least I have my life.

This is just temporary. My situation is only a waiting room for what I have in store for myself. That is something I can't get lost in. It seems the last twenty-four years have been a Mouse Trap Game setting me up for my future. I anticipate the great change headed my way during the rebirth of nature.

It's only the matter of waiting.

Hopeful, not hopeless.

It seems like every blog I make recently it's to defend myself for one reason or another.

I find myself single, once again. This time I don't even blame myself at all. I have no idea how something that seemed so sound and so solid could suddenly be cold and transparent.

I struggle to mourn the loss of another failed relationship. Maybe I'm repressing those feelings? Maybe I just don't care? Maybe he wasn't worth it to begin with? Eh, those are all questions that don't need answers...

My self worth is fine but my confidence in others is greatly lacking. I know what I'm good at
I know I'm an excellent "ladyfriend"
I know I can make someone the happiest they've ever been.


It's just a matter of finding someone who wants to accept me for who I am, that has enough confidence in me and our connection... And will respect me. That's a major one. It's so hard to find someone that can step up to the plate and be willing to compromise and blend with someone else.

A couple days ago I realized I'm more of a lover than I've allowed myself to acknowledge. I guess I don't want to be the hopeless romantic that is perpetually hopeless. I'm on the eve of my 25th birthday. I want an adult life. I want to share that adult life with someone else. No drama. No questions and lies... Just love. I'm not holding my breath over it, but I am hopeFUL as of late.

I am "talking" with someone.. That isn't exactly new... But is a prospect I overlooked for awhile. I'm interested in how it may unfold. When it does leak I think my entire hometown will implode but I won't be here for the backlash...


I will be elsewhere, enjoying my new life.

To Whom it May Concern:

It has come to my attention that my sexuality is the definitive of who I am [when it comes to other people.] Not only do I find this offensive; I have spent days contemplating the proper way to address this when I feel like I should never have to.

I date girls-- I'm wrong and going to hell. How dare I be public and proud about such a disgraceful way of life!

I marry a guy -- since I'm not ashamed or secretive about it I must be a liar and everyone around me should question anything I've said to them in the last four years.

Obviously, both assessments are horribly incorrect. I, personally, don't see my relationship as anyone's immediate business.. Or the main factor of my entire existence, for that matter. I have so many contributing factors in my life. Ive always been my own person. I do not define myself through who I am with or have been with.

"But you put it all over Facebook"
No, I put that I am happy and give credit where it is due. That's all I feel I am doing. Why do some individuals feel I am rubbing it in their face? That is truly not my intent.

I post about 10% of my life on the Internet-- that's combining this blog, twitter and Facebook. That's a whole 90% that I don't let you fuckers in on... And guess what? Of that 10% I share with this huge world of digital high school: everything is vague and purely self-involved... Which I guess knocks that 10% down to about 6%.

Yes, I said self-involved. I don't say anything that is not my business (especially if it doesn't involve me at all.)

With that said, I have also deleted a bunch of people, pictures and information from my Facebook. I haven't posted a play by play of my day on any social media in quite some time.

I feel no need to explain myself to anyone. (Although I guess I kind of am) Even amongst all the backlash, I should feel no obligation to title myself under any sexual orientation. The person I date/marry knows how I feel about them and that's all that is relevant.

It isn't helpful to demand answers from me or put pressure on our relationship. If you know me at all why is it so difficult to just accept me as a person and be happy about me being happy? I'm not a deceptive person; I'm not out to hurt anyone nor am I trying to "pull a fast one." I'm in this relationship for all the right reasons: THAT is all that matters. It's not your place to be confused about my sexual preferences. I should not have to defend myself on this subject.

Grow the fuck up

I've decided today that I'm not allowing myself to get a new cellphone until I catch up on at least two bills and fix my windshield.

That's putting me at 60 days without a cellphone. Lucky for me my closest people (sans Mom and BFF) have iPhones so I can iMessage them for free... As long as I have wifi. I'm going to take my time paying Verizon bill off Because otherwise it may be three months before I can be all caught up. I'm so friggin tired of being broke. Having my phone cut off is such a relief. I don't feel like I'm being suffocated anymore. $90 for one person to have a phone is fucking ridiculous. I will never do that again.

I have got to start working out again. I feel bloated with Christmas cheer and it's making me self conscience. I don't feel pretty. I've got to put my foot down and demand some wii fit time, I guess. I need to go get my stuff to do I can get all my gym attire and my computer. Dear baby Jesus, I miss my computer! But I feel like I owe my friend a storage fee for my stuff so that puts me at a dilemma... I can now afford to go get my stuff but can't pay her too. Augh, it's the story of my life.

I hate dating in my hometown. Everyone has some bullshit to say or some opinion. I feel like my new relationship is being tossed into the ball pit at McDonalds and my previous relationships as well as their friends are in there too... And we're all trying to not bump into each other. It's frustrating. It also doesn't help that I'm not thrown into the gossip so I have no idea what's swarming around about me and can only anticipate when it comes full circle.

Another reason I'm okay with no longer having a phone-- no one knows how to get up with me. (Especially those I want to forget about me) I love not getting random drunk texts from exs or couldvebeen's. I like the idea of starting off on a clean slate. When I get a new number very few will get it. I'm ready for a mature life.

I plan on cleaning up my Facebook as well. I'm going to delete whole picture folders and change my info some. I'm going to detach my twitter from my Facebook too. I will be turning 25 in 2012... It's about damn time I stop acting like I have no idea about my endgame goal in life. I don't want to be a drifter anymore. I want to have a homebase and have someone to come home to.

I'm finding out you can be a grown up without having a mundane life. My future keeps getting brighter by the second and I want to be able to harness it's magnitude.

Happy Yule

I'm posting via my new iPod.

Gotta say... I'm pretty friggin excited about everything going on in my life right now.

Have you ever felt like everything was coming together? I thought I had before... I fear to speak too soon now but I can't seem to stop these emotions from bursting forth.

I've never had anyone be so sweet and so honest. I've never had someone be so persistent in wanting to be with me...

It's only been a couple weeks and I find myself writing love letters I'm too chicken to give to him. I am completely lost in him.

Yes, him. I never would've thought ether. Needless to say my family is elated at the prospect of me being in a relationship with not only a male but a much loved family friend. I've known him since I was 9 and reconnected with him a few years ago.

A series of events led up to me giving him a chance to take me out... I guess the rest is pretty obvious. I've felt like I've been in an ABC Family Christmas special ever since our first kiss.

Just for the sake of argument I don't think me being attracted to him has anything to do with him being a him.. But everything to do with how he treats me and makes me feel. I feel like it'd be wrong on my part to deny myself a solid chance at something good for me... Especially after my string of let downs and disappointments.

Also, I've decided to not think of my sexuality as a label and have removed myself from anyone that would judge me negatively because I choose to be happy.

In other news I canceled my cellphone so I'm phone less and I'm so broke I'm living off my tips for gas money.

Hooray!