Boob Milk Guilt

I'm not super woman.
I'm not even super girl, or one of teen titans.
Aw hell, Ben 10 has it on me.

I feel like I'm constantly going all day but I don't get anywhere. I'm on a treadmill on the moon.
I am also still not able to claim my body as mine just yet. I have to make sure I'm eating enough to make enough breast milk. None of my clothes fit and I feel like I'm carrying around a deflated tire. I'm constantly thirsty because of the breastfeeding. Sometimes BabyG refuses to go to anyone else... Or anywhere else. It's exhausting.

A month and a half in and I feel like I can finally catch my breath but to what avail?  The apartment is a mess. It takes me two days to do one load of laundry and I'm lucky to make myself a meal much less have one prepared for Hubby when he gets off of work.

There is so much guilt associated with motherhood as well. No wonder women get depressed after having a baby. The weight of it all is almost unbearable. So much pressure on all sides. I'm somewhere between "Don't ever let your baby cry" and "cry it out" just to keep MY sanity. I'm still a person and if I want to brush my teeth without holding a baby, well, she's just going to have to be pissed about it out of harms way in her safe area to scream in. I refuse to feel guilty about her being upset if 20% of the time I just let her be pissed.
I've been reading a lot of theories on infants and how to deal with them. Also, since I'm breastfeeding I have to avoid certain foods and if I even smell alcohol I'm considered a terrible wretch and should be burned at the stake. Seriously?! Sometimes a glass of wine nearing the end of my day is the ONLY thing to relax me enough to sleep. Coffee is a must. Some days I avoid coffee AND my treat of wine. Sometimes I have coffee and no wine, other times I have TWO glasses of wine after having no coffee all day.

Some of you are hiking those eyebrows way up into your hairline. Ya know what? Shaddup. Ya heard me. I just got all Brooklyn on you and I'm from North Carolina! Where kids run around shirtless and don't shower for weeks at a time. I've seen facebook photos of people bottle feeding their infants iced tea and even soda. I've watched teen moms smoke and do drugs in the same room as their months old children. So don't you judge me about my small indiscretions. Got it? Honestly, I feel as though I am the average new mom. There is no shame in moderately giving into your mild addictions from prebaby days, ladies. None! Don't misread me though-- if you did heavy drugs or drank to the extreme I am NOT advocating that behavior (even though people equate my two cups of coffee to a crack addiction). I'm just saying don't feel guilty because you had a glass of wine with dinner and didn't pump and dump.

Maternity Pants

Pregnant Log
[Pregnant: Unofficially 11wks] Still haven't gone to the doctor yet, but I do have health insurance now!
[Mood Swings: Leveling out]
[Cravings: Parfaits, Chicken/Meat in general]

Let me say that again: I HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE! I haven't had health insurance since working at Chipotle... and even then I only went to the doctor once to get allergy medicine when it turned out I was very allergic to the non-allergetic gloves at work, the doctor prescribed to me $150 lotion in a 2oz bottle. Needless to say it's probably still collecting dust in that Greensboro CVS.

I now have eye and dental care, also. I need new glasses in a very serious way. I also want contacts with ever fiber of my being. I loathe wearing glasses. Glasses make my face look funny. I'm not a fan. My teeth need to be cleaned in a very, very serious way. I've never been so excited in my life to make doctors appointments. I feel like an elephant is no longer riding piggy back on my already weighed down frame.

Hubby and I were at work yesterday and he was talking about some new code we'll need for the new cash boxes they're installing at each location. I didn't know where to retrieve it so he went to a website (that no one had told me about) and set me up an account. The website also happened to have our benefit options, he decided to view my options. Apparently since I am a new employee I qualified for health benefits! So. Much. Excite. He printed off my little paper and the only not-so-good news is that I have to wait until October 1st before I can start making appointments. Even with that said, I'm elated at the idea of making a "Tell me I'm pregnant, Doc" appointment amongst my eyes and teeth.

Although, I told Hubby that he has to escort me to the dentist appointment because I am terrified of the dentist. I want to make our teeth cleaning appointment together so we can hold hands in the waiting room and then swap horror stories of the evaluation of our teeth after. Hopefully I can find a dentist around here that won't cost an arm and a leg AND doesn't get sadistic pleasure out of hurting their clientele.

On a pregnant note, I need a humidifyer. My throat is killing me from snoring and my nose keeps getting closed up because I get so dehydrated over night. Hubby woke me up the other night because I was snoring so heavily. My throat still hurts so I can only assume that I'm still snoring. Last night I slept very hard and I had insane dreams. My morning sickness has started to be much better which is concering but from what I read it's about that time. I still get nauseous throughout the day but it's not so terrible right when I wake up anymore. I've started playing Wii Sports because it gets my heart rate up and I maybe burn a few calories and have fun too. I facetime'd with my sister and my mom and I mentioned wanting Wii Fit because the the apartment gym makes me want to puke being in there. I feel like everything is filmy, the floor never gets swept and the machines never get wiped down. The Wii is fun and I can do it in my livingroom, without a bra, looking like a fool. Well, long story short my mom bought it for me! She's really been spoiling me. I'm wearing my first pair of maternity pants as I type this. I mainly wear them at work though because my work pants don't fit anymore. My regular pants are stretchy and mainly I wear dresses anyway so my waistline doesn't really affect that. Leggings are also becoming my friend, quickly. I'm hoping to cut up some of Hubby's oversized shirts to some kind of stylish preggo shirt and just wear leggings with boots. Also, I saw some pregnant celebrities rock that look and I figure it will be perfect for Louisiana winters.

I also will be getting my very first paycheck at the end of this month. I have so much shopping I would like to get done. I will have made in one paycheck more than I've ever had, total, in my checking or savings account at one time... ever. That is very exciting. Also, just my paycheck pays the bills so it will be exciting to have spending money again. Right now we have money I don't even know where is coming from. Hubby is a magic charm when it comes to money, we always seem to have enough money to eat and get gas with. I have no idea how he does it. He doesn't understand how I think that is enough. He constantly asks me if I'm happy and apologizes for not providing for me like he "should." But honestly, we have power, a very nice apartment, gas in our cars and I never go hungry. I couldn't ask for more. He thinks we're at the bare minimum when a lot of time in my life was spent only picking a choosing from those options instead of having them all and

  all at the same time.