Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Baby Killer

Pregnant Log
[Pregnant: Unofficially 13wks] Still haven't gone to the doctor yet, but I do have health insurance card now! Making an appointment for tomorrow, hopefully.
[Mood Swings: Off the Charts]
[Cravings: Chocolate Milk and Pumpkin EVERYTHING!]

First off, I want to say I'm in an insanely good mood right this second. I don't know if anything will happen in between the beginning and ending of this blog to ruin this splendeferous feeling I have... but let's hope not! I hopped up right when my alarm went off this morning (that never happens) took my first morning poop in what feels like months. What? It's a wonderful feeling to start with empty bowels for the day. You take that for granted now, but just wait until your uterus is clogged with baby. AND I tried out Dunkin' Donuts. Well, not tried it, but the first one in Louisiana sprang up in my neighborhood. I managed to get completely ready and be out the door a few minutes after 8am. That's an easy thirty minutes early. The drive-thru was packed, it is the second day it's been open, but I wanted to go in anyway to make sure they had the pumpkin treats. After a quick moving line and the lady behind me calling in late for work because "My son had something at his school with 4-H, that's why I'm late..." Not because she was getting DD or anything. I ordered my food, I felt like I was ordering for two and the cashier kind of raised an eyebrow at me. C'mon! It was just a breakfast sandwich and 5 munchkins! I've ordered more at a DD without having a baby to blame! But anyway... with the luck of my tiny car I weasled out of my parking spot and zoomed into work, with plenty of time to spare.

I haven't felt this great in over a week, maybe two. I want to say a month but I know that's an exaggeration. I've also started drinking coffee again. That has helped mentally a lot. I'm starting to see why people stick to their chemical addictions while pregnant. Well, on my own level. I'm drinking the milky "cappuccino" drinks at gas stations and a Coolatta from DD. I'm trying to refrain from my black coffee addiction. I'm deluting my sweet nectar of life with milk to appease the low brow, finger pointing society that tells me no. It's also one cup a day as oppose to two cups while I get ready and then a huge to-go cup for my morning, or an entire pot on my day off. I also gave it up for two whole months. I was dying and after my rough week last week, I caved and had one cup of cappuccino from a gas station. For five whole minutes (the beginning of the cup) I was in the garden of eden, scampering through with all my birdy friends. No, seriously, I had a moment. I also feel that way when I satisfy a pregnancy craving. I only ate two of my five pumpkin munchkins before I felt too full to continue (They will be a great snack later) I bit into one of them and it was like my hair was being blown in the wind, and I just won a trophy for being the most awesome being in the universe. It's odd to feel that way about food or, well, anything in particular. I've always had a very grounded, quite cynical, view about all things in life. It seems silly for me to be all adolescent-christmas-morning happy about food.

"I feel like food rules my life now," I said to one of my just-had-a-baby co-worker.
"Just wait, it's about to get worse." She laughed, without even looking up at me.

Now on to the less cheery subject. I was called a baby killer on facebook by a stranger on a mutual friend's page. Originally this entire blog was going to be about being called such a horrible thing, by a "Christian" no-less. But alas, I had such a great morning I couldn't create a whole negative, ranting, blog. It just didn't feel right. But, seriously, I do need to address this. I made a tweet about it so now I feel I need to do my full disclosure. 140 characters can be taken so wrong.

The great abortion debate. Even the word abortion feels funny, it creates grime on it's way out of my mouth as I speak it. It lingers in the back of ones mind at the thought of being pregnant. It's whispered about and spoken of in harsh tones. Rumors are started about unsuspecting females in middle and high schools, "She had an abortion." Abortion has the same negative connotation as intended by the individual that called me a baby killer. It's a medical term that has been twisted and disfigured by the ignorant and religious alike. Just as a racial slur, if you use the word the way the "enemy" does, it still holds that power. Just for the sake of this blog, I'd like to keep it as an unbias medical term.
Please and thank you.

Obviously I'm pro-choice. Me saying I'm pro-choice is what got me called a baby killer. Even as I sit here pregnant and my belly swelling by the day (or hour, geez) I am still very strong in my pro-choice stance. People, men especially are ignorant to the idea of how a pregnant lady can be pro-choice. Simple, I chose to stay pregnant, just as some of my friends have chose not to be. That doesn't make me any better than them or them any better than me. Different people, different situations, different decisions. I'd be just as mad if there were laws trying to be passed saying I couldn't have a kid and my only option was to abort. That is not allowing me a choice. O wow, I'm probably blowing some minds right now. A pro-choicer wouldn't stand for all pregnant women to be required to abort. Who would'a thought?! But seriously, why the fuck to pro-lifers believe that? What makes them think that? Who thought it would be great for humanity to pass the word that everyone that is pro-choice goes to a clinic once a week to abort a late term fetus. Idiots, that's who. Yes, I said it, IDIOTS. Okay, now I'm the one name calling... but it's to prove a point. 

Personally, I mean me, just me, Beth.... you know, the chick that is typing out these words right now. Exclusively me, I wouldn't get an abortion if I could help it. Honestly, there has been a couple pregnancy scares in my life that I would've cleaned out my bank account to fix the issue but as it stands right now, at twenty-five, with a loving significant other... I couldn't imagine myself going through that. Three years ago, we'd have a different discussion. Also, I've never been pregnant before now to make that choice before so that also leaves that gap of understanding that most people can't get past. I, on the other hand, have been friends with various people in various points in their lives. Yes, I have been very close with individuals that have had that nasty abortion thing that all these christians keep spewing lies about. To be honest, before I had known someone before they confessed this deep, dark secret of theirs I had my own igorance when it came to abortion. "No way, no how! Nu-uh. If you get pregnant it's meant to be! You need to carry that baby and just give it up for adoption!"

That short-sighted, ignorant and detrimental opinion was chipped away within the second my nervous best friend, at the time, from across the table said, "I've had an abortion before." My whole opinion quite literally folded in half and hid behind the nearest large object.

"Huh?" was all I could muster.
"Yeah, my mom actually paid for it. I was in college and wasn't practicing very healthy habits. Was into some bad stuff with a bad boy. You know, the usual... in with the bad crowd get in to deep before you realize how shitty it is?"
"Oh." I responded, still wanting her to continue the story.
"As soon as I found out I drove the couple hours it took to get to my parent's house and cried to my mom. My life was over, I wouldn't be able to finish college and that scumbag would be a part of my life, my family's life, for the rest of our lives. After some long conversation we all pulled some money together and as shitty as it sounds, I'm glad it happened. That baby didn't need him as a dad and at the time, I couldn't offer that baby much of anything and no one was really willing to help."
"Wow." I know I had that deer-in-headlights look.
"It's not something I boast about or anything, I mean, I don't go around and tell whoever. But yeah, I'm just glad I had that choice, ya know? Without that choice I'd probably would've just killed myself. I mean, I was super depressed and doing bad stuff and the guy I was with was cheating on me probably the same moment I took that damn test. I was super bad off, mentally-- I wouldn't have made a good decision on my own. I would've rather died than put up with that stress for the rest of my life."  

Don't judge my friend. She is one of many that has gone through similar things and kept it private because of the judging you just did in your head. I also hope I kept her story vague enough because it really is only her business. As she was telling me her story I played it out in my head, but instead of seeing her, I saw me in her scenerio. I kept trying to think, "Just keep the baby anyway," but for her in her situation, I could easily see why she made the decision she did. I'm not Zeus, I'm not God, I'm not Santa-- I can't decide who should be struck by lightening and who should get the pardon. Those types of decisions aren't meant for other people, they are only meant for those in those situations at that time. No one else.

With that same sentiment, I'm glad I'm able to keep my baby and no one is forcing me to give it up. I, also, am glad we live in a country that doesn't regulate births. I want females to have the same power they always have, simple as that. It's exactly like equalizing marriage. If you don't want to marry someone of the same sex, don't. If you don't want an abortion-- don't get one. Don't stop someone from doing something in their lives because it conflicts with your personal views about your life. There are a shit-ton of people on this earth. If you are so busy trying to control others you are going to lead a very unfulfilled life.

Definition of KILLER
1: one that kills
2: killer whale
3 a : one that has a forceful, violent, or striking impact
b : one that is extremely difficult to deal with

On a side note, I want to point out that I have never met a baby killer. I'm sure if I have I would have reported their dead body to the police after I killed them myself, in a bloody Psycho-style rage. The image I have in my head of a "baby killer" is some terrible ogre of a creature that makes his rounds at hospitals stabbing unsuspecting new borns as they sleep, or cry, or poop... as babies do. Just google "body of baby found." Those people, to me, are baby killers. Not someone who makes a personal decision in a clinic early in their first trimester. So tell me, which outcome do you feel more comfortable? Because let me tell you, if abortion is banned, there will be more dead babies in ditches, woods and dumpsters all around the states for those that couldn't handle it all. Not everyone is rational and responsible enough or can even afford an abortion as is is... and you want to live with making that harder for unhappy, out of their luck, mentally unhealthy expecting mothers?

Just think about that.

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