Random Nonsense [fueled by coffee]

I love the shaky feeling of drinking too much coffee and having an empty stomach. I'm not sure why. It makes me feel like I have super powers or just an over flow of energy. I want to run a thousand miles and jump fences and battle zombies.

Obviously I don't do any of those things... usually I just sit at the computer, farm on farmville and let my leg shake with vigor and without shame. I don't like to shake my leg in front of others, I think it exposes my anxiety that I would rather keep closeted.

I got extremely drunk last night and bitched about my love life... go me. I'm so grand. Then I met someone that I could possibly like-like some day and totally made an ass out of my self. (Typical)

I don't know how I manage to always bury myself in a very deep bottomless hole when I'm attracted to someone.... but I do. It's like word diarrhea and the next day I'm left with a mental hangover of "omg I'm so fucking stupid" I have emotional hangovers quite often and usually more than the physical alcoholic kind.

I'm so menstrual I hate myself. Okay, well the hating myself came before the organic pain of being a woman this month... but I'm starting to over come. By every hour, every conversation, every song that plays... every visit to the gym. I know I'm being dramatic because I'm a woman and I'm very much a full-fledged emotional mountain of ick right now. I feel like a leaky faucet that when it was attempted to get fixed the pipes explode.... furthering the issue of brokenness.

I don't know how I manage to do this to myself and I won't shut up about it. I need validation. I know it. I'm aware of my insecurities but I can't seem to fix them. I want them fixed in hours not days. But I guess that's everyone's gripe in life.

At least I've stopped crying. Crying takes so much out of me. It pulls and tugs deep from my soul and I pour it all out. You'd think it'd make me feel better... but it doesn't. I just makes my face puffy and my nose incredibly annoying. It solves nothing.

I want to go to another state. I want to pack up what will fit in my car and just drive. Drive and see things. Be things. Create things and sell them to pay for gas. I often day dream of when my car is paid off (in 2 months) I will quit my corporate job and drive to a random location and be a nomad. Untied to a car payment and my only bill be gas and cellphone. I will end up living where the money runs out until I can afford to drive again. My material possessions only being an endless amount of CDs and a laptop.

Okay... so I just realized that my birthday is exactly 10 days away. I am terrified of birthdays. They come at me like a bad rain cloud. I usually end up very very drunk. (Either alone or with friends) I do a lot of dumb shit. Then I cry myself to sleep. Yes, every birthday pans out in a very similar way. An ex will call or txt and I will be emotional and drained at the thought of living on this planet unsatisfied for another year. The idea of celebrating the past year of failure just boggles me. So I drink until the imagined pain goes away. It never does.

I'm an alcoholic.
I know it.

Just because I don't drink every day and my life isn't in shambles because of that liquid-disaster doesn't mean I'm not an alcoholic. I'm at the very least 3rd generation alcoholic on my dads side. I'm aware of what it can do to families because it happened to me. I have the reasoning of a drunk in my sober state of mind. Sometimes I reason with myself and try to talk myself out of things... just to do them later. I say things that hurt people without even thinking that it could possibly hurt someone. Someone once told me that I'm not actually an alcoholic because I'm aware of it. People with problems don't know they are problems. (And the fact that I choose food over alcohol when it comes to a budget of money) Okay... so I'm a responsible alcoholic. I am so conscious of my effort to not let drink take over my life it's become a paranoia. If I've drank every day for a period of time I won't allow myself to drink for days or even months after that. If I have a really bad hang over that lasts into the next night I won't drink for quite some time after that.

I refuse to be my father.

that's what all this really boils down to.

Okay, I'm spouting non-sense... I should stop now.

Blessed Be,
SallyD

Happiness

I have this song on repeat. I've been blaring it and telling myself it's all true. I'm in the pursuit of happiness.

I have to be.
I need to me.
I am.

I've been going to the gym for a week now and it's opened me up so much. It's like I'm in raw form and I can actually be me. I'm attempting to wake up at 8:30am every morning to hit the gym by 10 at the latest So far I've been successful and have even gotten there as early as 9am. I attempted a spin class for the first time and it kicked my ass. I cried. Yes, cried. During a work out. I pushed myself that far. I want to see what my body can do and I want to do whatever it takes to see what my body can do.

Since I am pushing my body I am finding that my mind is getting cluttered and cluttered. I love being able to go to the gym and work it all out through physical activity. I'm finding out that it's my therapy, my girlfriend, my everything. The gym is my new life. It's where the REAL me shines.

I need to focus on me. And be selfish. I need to be single for awhile. I need this. I realized at the gym today that sex corrupts everything. It plants false ideas and false happiness. At least in the gym I can have something positive to show from all the sweat and tears.

I did arms today so I did the rower. I've done a rowing machine a couple times before but usually it's like, "I'ma waste 15mins on this just 'cus" and today I really opened my mind and pushed my body with each angry thought. I wailed on the machine. I'm sure my faces were very attractive as I folded forward and pushed back with my legs, tugging with all my might on the row handle. The angrier I got the harder I tugged, the louder the fan I was turning in the machine got. The more I wanted to feel it everywhere. I didn't stop until my arms turned red from heat and my abs ached. I didn't stop until I felt I had overcome my mental anguish. I'm sure the guy beside me doing a light jog on a treadmill thought I was insane.

I spent 3hrs at the gym today. Arms day is kinda my favorite. I don't do sooo much cardio and I can feel the muscles in my arms for the rest of the day. It's a warm buzzy feeling.... kind of like hot chocolate, a fireplace and a soft blanket on a bitter winter night. I love that buzzy feeling after going to the gym. It makes me feel alive on the outside. Even though I feel so dead inside.

My depression is back. It snuck up behind me and slit my throat gushing blood all over the front of me. I walked around for weeks not even realizing I was bleeding to death. How can one do that? Shouldn't it be obvious when life is slowly draining from you for everyone else to see? No matter what I do I still look like I just finished crying. It won't stop. I'm wearing my pain in such obvious places. Obviously I'm not fit to share emotions with anyone else... that goes with sharing a bed.

I've met the most amazing people in just the last few months. A girl I work with (that everyone quickly deemed as my twin... or me her twin... whichever) has inspired me in such ways she won't ever know of. Shes my age, and have managed to be single for way longer than I ever have. I'm so captivated by the thought of not being attached to someone for just ONE solid calender year. Some people would see it as her being unable to connect with others, when I see it as my weakness for allowing so many people in. I feel as if I need to learn so much from her. I need to learn how to connect with people on a friend level and it just be that. I need I need I need.

My problem isn't other people, it's my insecurities that are running my life and not allowing me to be able to just have friends. I need to find the whole me in just FRIENDS. Love doesn't have to come with sex. I need to learn that. If I can't love myself or have the love of companionship via a friend... how can I possibly ever spend my life with someone else on a level above all others? I don't even think I know HOW to be a friend. I worry... because I don't want the people I hang around with most to feel I have betrayed them or am unfit to be around them. Learning the right guards to let down and with whom has always been my downfall.

I need to stop the cycle.

Blessed Be,
SallyD

Overcoming Anxiety & Stress

I'm jobless again... but I won't even start going into it because it makes me so angry and negative... and the world already has enough of that.

One of the various positive things about it is I'm rationing my food until I find another job, which means smaller portions... which means I'm losing weight. Portioning your food is an excellent way to diet without dieting. I basically eat all damn day... but my portion size is basically down to 300 calories a day and I eat about 5 to 6 times a day. Making it be about 1500/2000 calories a day, give or take. Which is well... what the intake on the side of every damn box tells you to consume. I'm not sure how much I've lost but I can definitely tell I've lost weight in my face and hip area. It's awesome.

I also am on a whirlwind of emotions. I'm up, I'm down. I'm proud, I'm ashamed. I'm inspired, I have a deep feeling of lackluster. This roller-coaster is not one to be enjoyed, I promise you. Spiritually I feel shattered. The last couple months of my job had me high-strung and hateful. I was so tense and so worked up. I had many sleepless nights and slept the entire day until my shift. My entire being had been consumed with the negativity from that job. So easily I had been sucked in without even noticing it. I cry randomly throughout my day, even if it's just for a few seconds.

My entire day is now consumed with job applications and reassuring myself that my life isn't truly over because of one suck-ass job.

Do not let anyone intimidate you into thinking you are someone less than who you actually are. I let that happen to me. I felt like the job had broke up with me although I knew it was already crumbling beneath my feet. I went through waves of "I should make it work" and "Fuck it, fuck them all. Fuck everything!" and well... yeah... in the end I know it's for the better. I hold such animosity towards who made it come to pass... but I know it's worthless and just makes me look like the bad person. Lies are being spread, I can feel it come through the air and gently poke me out of fun. I refuse to be apart of it. For those that wish to believe said lies, enjoy them.... I won't stick around to notice.

Obviously, I still have some emotional stuff to work on.

I'm viewing this as an opportunity rather than a hurdle. EVERYTHING happens for a reason, my friends, EVERYTHING! Who am I to deny that reason? I now have the biggest universal push ever to better myself and BE better than whom I feel is disgraceful. To PROVE something to myself and everyone else. I have been pushed into a very large pool and right now I am kicking and grasping at the water to break through the top. As long as I continue to have this fight in me (although the doubts do arise) I will make it.

I have found how calming lighting candles are. The flame flickers and dances as the air shifts in the room. I let a calm breeze blow through my opened window and LISTEN to the things around me. I chopped off all my hair, by myself. I am focusing on me without losing sight of what I need to do. I'm going to take a chance and only apply to jobs I could see myself enjoying. I'm actually on a semi-regular sleep schedule now. I feel more relaxed. Losing that job was one of the better things to happen in my life. Now I just need to "Nut up or Shut up."

Blessed Be,
SallyD

*sigh*

I keep starting these blogs and never finishing. I don't want this blog to be filled with negativity and angst... so when my posts become bitchy I bury them in the draft section of this blog and it is never seen again... well, it is... but I for some reason refuse to delete the partial blogs. Maybe to one day finish them? I don't know.

I woke up today with a splitting headache and my sinuses are stuffy and just bluh. bluh. BLUH!

I go to a Panera that is just a few minutes from my house... usually I get here around dead times. I can't afford to eat here all the time, so usually I sit quietly in one of the comfortable lounge chairs rather than getting a table... but today I combined some of my tips from work to afford some soup because I have nothing at home and I feel icky sick... soup cooked and cleaned up by someone else sounded like a treat I couldn't pass up.

So here I am, sitting at a Panera clicking away on my laptop and there is a full house. It's so packed here. I grab a seat next to a plug and sit on the booth side. I order my food, eat it... poke around on npr... waste a little time doing nothing and eating... a lady sits beside me, eats and silently reads. I never even notice when she decides to leave. A little while later I notice a group of loud freshman girls enter and of course... they pick the seat beside me... I offer the spare table I seem to have and they begrudgingly accept... like I somehow made it gross. Augh. Well, I put my headphones on so not to be disturbed. My head hurts too much to listen to music but the headphones somehow buffer the noise around me.... and makes me seem too involved to be bothered with them.

So they sit and they talk about spanish class... which I assume atleast a few of them are taking together... and one girl goes, "What does homogeneous mean?" in the midst of the conversation... for those of you that don't know (and I only knew vaguely until googling it to secure my hypothesis on the word) Homogeneous means: The Same or Similar kind or nature. It's often used in Math and Science... not Spanish.... since it is an english (Or latin? Whatever the science world uses it's root of words from) word. I turn up my invisible music and ponder how it is to get like that. I don't recall ever being like that... after they make fun of her for saying a non spanish word they then talk about spring break and where they should go, "My daddy's beach house." or "I have a lake house." or "What about her mountain house?"

Augh.

Okay, I'm also sure that most of you don't know how financially strapped I've been in the last... two years? It gets better, then worse... then better... then worse... then worse... and worse... and I hit rock bottom.

Okayokayokay... not "rock bottom" I'm not on the street by any means... but I am broke as a joke.

I don't have internet at my house nor do I have cable. The lack of cable isn't such a big downer because I've been there before many-a-day... that doesn't bother me... and lack of internet... well, I was dealing with it by coming to Panera (the workers here are really awesome. Very nice to me and I think they're starting to learn my name... lol) and I had a blackberry. (Yes... had.) So I could poke around and do certain things online at home and I had my emails come to my phone and such. Well, my phone got cut off because I owed them. I couldn't afford the extra expenses for a blackberry anyway so I decided to step back to my regular phone because it still works and is in my possession. That way I can pay off my debt that isn't involved with my phone and maybe save some money out of each pay check.

Since my phone had been completely cut off I had to pay off what I owed them completely. I did. This paycheck is also rent, btw. Which since I started paying rent I haven't been able to pay the complete amount so my roommate is being a real bitch about it. I can't really blame him... but I'm sorry: him < Bill Collectors. him < Gas money. him < Food. I'm not living big or blowing all my money... Okay, so sometimes I over spend on groceries... or sometimes I will order food somewhere when I really should save my money... but my "big spending" is usually BK or the Chinese place and it's their lunch special. (And if it's the Chinese place I break up the meal so it's 2 instead of 1.) I'm NOT living the high life. I'm also not making tons of money. As well as forfeiting my blackberry I am debating on canceling my health ins because it takes money out of each paycheck.

I don't drink anymore... and if I do it's other people's expense. I can't afford to do it. I don't know how people drink at bars all the time and have money for other stuff.. such as bills and food.

Even with all that said... I do my best to treat myself in any way I can. Why? Because let's face it... living paycheck to paycheck (almost down to the penny) will drive someone batshit crazy. I've been selling books that I've read to a local book store (they have tons of stuff, media-savvy as well) to get box sets and whatever else. I'm not home very often but when I am I want to relax and be entertained. I've already watched everything I have tons of times and went through the stuff I've had but have never had time to watch. I've also picked up knitting and hope to reopen my etsy account within the next month or so. (Also hoping for some extra spending money) I'm knitting with yarn I already have and needles I've already purchased. I've started taking donations and asking people if they want stuff and wearing stuff I've knitted in hope to encourage people to buy from me.

I'm also being helped out the most by Kim. (Yes, the ex....) She was my first love and first major heart break. She has tried her best to redeem herself and has been trying to be back in my good graces for almost longer than we dated originally... but I've got to say... she's really pulled through. I now live 4hrs away from her and she's spent basically every spare dime on me. On gas to get here, food while she's here and usually entertainment while she's here. I've been so lucky to have her in my life. She's the only one who has stepped up and really helped me for no other reason that I might love her some day. Otherwise, I have nothing to offer her and she knows it but doesn't care. (I can't say that about anyone else that has ever offered to help me)

I will hopefully pay my car off in July. (If I did my math right) With that said... I've already made my January payment and in 5 months I should have spare money for the first time in years. If I pay my roommate off in the 3 months projected... I should be close enough to just pay off my car in June. June is my birthday month. For my birthday, I hope to have a paid off car and maybe a beach weekend. What about those months in between? Well, I hope to just not be in debt for a little while and maybe be able to do something on my days off.... and have days off for that matter.

Sorry for all the ramblings... but I guess I really needed to send all that out into the universe.

BlessedBe,
SallyD.

Words cannot express how annoying it is that I can only blog within 160 characters via my phone. Damn you, bb & my fail sms character limit!!!!!

I am testing my mobile blogging skills... *testtesttest* does this work?