Sunday, February 28, 2010

I'm starving.

I'm so hungry I could probably eat my own mattress. lol I won't though... so don't worry.

This weekend has been... wow. Just... wow.

I've either been totally lame or totally on point. (Or very naughty) Either way, I'm happy it's Sunday. I'm debating on if I should go out or not. The last time I went out on Sunday I had girls trying to get me drunk to take me home and another one stole my necklace. (Bitch)

I may just chill at home tonight with Elliot (My kitty) He's always really neglected during the weekend anyway because I work so fucking much. I'm thinking of having a PJ day. Vegging out and watching movies. Too bad the ex took the DVD player in my room. (It was hers to begin with) because I really don't feel like going out to buy one right now... and every time I watch movies downstairs I just end up feeling like my father and pass out in my recliner. (I think out of the maybe six times in seven months I've been able to sit in my living room and watch movies and every time I fall asleep and wake up a few hours later with the title screen on) Never fails. I blame lack of sleep and constant working (and recently my attempts at non-work partying)

I feel so sleep hung over today. I realized last night as I was passing out that I haven't eaten one actual meal in three weeks. Is that pathetic? I get myself caught in a rut. I don't want to eat fast food, so I don't. I don't have time to actually fix myself something so I just don't eat at home. My stomach randomly decides that everything in it should be evacuated... so therefore I don't feel up to eating. Then when I do I'm out in public and I don't want to do the fast food thing and I'm not emotionally ready to face restaurants alone just yet... so I don't eat.

I'm still going to the gym like normal though. (About twice a week, sometimes I get lucky and go a third time) Which is terrible. I'm working away muscle that way; I know that... but damn, I'm losing weight like crazy! lol And to make up for my lack of normal eating, I've been eating a lot of red meat. :( Which may be why I feel like constant crap... but I can't eat veggies randomly once a day and not pass out from lack of legit solid foods, I think. My eating is so fucked up. I went from not eating meat to eating it every time I do eat because it's a rarity to eat at all. I need to fix that... it's probably part of the reason my tummy goes all wonky sometimes and then I feel like shit for hours.

I've realized I'm a crazy stalker and I need to be a hermit instead. (If only my job would allow it) I embarrassed myself rather terribly last night... and that will NOT happen again. I won't allow it. And I'm sorry... again. (You know who you are)


Blessed Be,

Thursday, February 25, 2010

"So you're talking to other girls?" She says.

"Not successfully." I say.


I already know she reads this and I'm shooting myself in the foot.... but I just can't seem to vocalize what I want to say when I'm around her or hear her voice... and definantly not when I look in her eyes.

Girls make me stupid, I've discovered.

Stupid in a way that I get all crazy and talk too much or not enough. Stupid in a way that boggles the straight friends I have. They have no advice because they have no idea. "Just rebound. Rebounding makes things better."

Rebounding is easy when you're after penis. Penis is in abundance and usually attached to a whore... a whore that would probably spit on you afterwards and then boast about it to his buddies. (Sorry... that was really bitter. Women are very capable of doing the same... but that's a debate I'm not trying to get into right now)

So breaking up sucks. Especially when both parties refuse to stop talking to each other. It makes it hard to move on, or even function as a normal single person.

Twitter is satan and facebook is hell.

"What does this mean?" "Why did you say that?" "Who are you talking about when you say this?"

Again... shooting myself in the foot seems to be my favorite past time.

I have a good few days and I feel like I'm starting to feel like me again. I can even discuss girls with my sister (which is a MAJOR revelation) I don't feel like I'm some alien that has ruined my familys dreams anymore. In some ways this break up has helped my family realize that my feelings for her are real and were real and it is possible to love someone of the same sex "in that way." It's the whole, "If it hurts this bad and she just stayed at home and cried for three weeks, she must have really not been faking it just to ruin our lives and embarrass us in front of our church friends"

But anyway... there is a lot to learn from this and I'm aware of it. I just wish that my head would uncloud and my panties would unwad. I'm like an angry sex monster. I'm going through withdrawls. I just want someone to touch me and it mean something. Not just lust and not even neccesarily love... just something. I want someone to want me in a way that it's just the beginning... it's a projected emotional adventure. (Was that a stretch? lol)

Yes, I'm talking to other girls. Yes.. more than one. Are any entertaining me back? Not really. Is my ex even in the mix anymore? Yes. Am I trying to lead any of the new ones on or even juggle them like a womanizer? Hell no. Would I go on dates? Yes. (Thats really all I want. Dates. Go to dinner, go to the movies... long walks on the beach and all that cliche-ness) Do I have to be in a relationship to feel whole? No.

Some one else does not make me feel validated. Although my actions would speak otherwise... (according to someone) I just feel very unwanted and very unattractive recently. Is it really so terrible to want someone to tell me I'm beautiful? No. I'm a women, I need at least a little validation from others. It's how we function. It comes with the plumbing, people. Honestly. And really, I don't know if I could get down and dirty with someone right now without seeing my ex when I close my eyes. Thats just not fair to anyone. I'm not over her... I'm not. I am aware. It will take time. But kissing isn't really ruled out... I mean... kissing would be fun. Even maybe holding hands? Going on a date, even.

(Although I am a sex-deprived-maniac... I'm not a heartless monster.)

I tweet a lot about not liking my whole sleeping alone situation... but I was thinking about it... and I don't really know of anyone I'd feel comfortable in my bed right now.... even the ex. (I've been burned too many times and shut down when it was offered... so I'm a bit jaded at the idea of asking her over anymore... and I feel guilty that I'd do that when I'm actively trying to find affection from others. It just doesn't seem right.) I mean... suuuure there are plenty of chicks out there that could fill a void physically... but I don't know anyone well enough to want them in my house muchless sleep over even if they are just a warm body. I'm not desperate. Just sad and lonely.

But I'm aware that the lonely will go away and the sad will soon stop... I think talking to my ex is bad. I need to cut the cord. Every time I talk to her she makes me cry. Every time we try to hang out she makes me cry. Every time she tries to be nice or even sweet I have a hard time trying to believe her. The ship has sailed... as hard as that is to swallow... it's true. I persued her with everything I had; I poured my entire everything into her... our breakup wasn't entirely her fault and she isn't a monster... but I can't cling to the hope that she'll treat me any different when she doesn't even respect herself.

I just.. augh. I'm being crazy I know... but I feel better now that I told my loyal non-commenting-readers about my angst. :)

Blessed Be,

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Music Wednesday (Music: Not Your Toy by La Roux)

It's huge... and annoying.. and I'm sorry... but I refuse to take it down.. hahahaha.

So suffer!!! Suffer!!!


Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Tuesday - Herb day! (Herb: Eyebright)

Eyebright- (I know this as RadhaircĂ­n)

(Budding Eyebright)
Medicinal Part: Leaves and Stems.
Properties: (Astringent, Tonic)
Gender; Masculine.
Element; Air.
Planet; Sun.
Powers; Mental or Psychic.

Medicinal Uses: Mixing the juice from the stems with distilled water makes a great eyewash. Make sure everything is sterile.

Ritual Uses: Brewed into a tea and drunk or placed on cotton pads over your eyes, it can induce psychic abilities. I personally use this for sending messages, see below.
--Find some RadhaircĂ­n and brew it into a potent tea. Get flat cotton pads from the store and use them to soak up the tea. Place a Lodalite (shamanic dream crystal) on your forehead, place one soaked cotton over each eye and ask Dagda to carry your message. Doing this on a bright day, I would ask Lugh to deliver the message. Doing this at night with the intentions of the message arriving as a dream, I would ask Caeribormeith to deliver the message.
(Compliments to Stephanie Mae for this information!)

(Dried Eyebright)
My investigation into Eyebright:

From what I've gathered in my reading about Eyebright is basically not to put directly in your eyes. As well as, don't use it if you are experiencing any problems with it. Common allergic reactions to pollen are a side affect. (I'm assuming because it is a regular budding plant) Such as: Sneezing, Coughing, Swelliing or redness at contact site. Discontinue use of this herb if you experience any discomfort. (duh)

I also gathered some rather conflicting views on it. "Use this as an eye wash" and then "Please don't use on eyes." So... I guess it means don't use it as an eye drop? I can't imagine Tinctures going in ones eye anyway. (Those made with water, maybe. But my tinctures have 100% alcohol in them... I wouldn't imagine dropping some of that in my eye)

Eyebright is found in various pills and vitamins for eye health and eye allergies. (Imagine that) I also found Eyebright dietary supplements... which leave me boggled because I have yet to read anything about Eyebright helping anyone lose weight or even control hunger. I would say those are just a ploy to make you spend your money on something pointless.

From what I read, take it orally or as Stephanie Mae suggested as an eye mask. I don't suggest dropping any in your eyes and of course, if you get any allergic reaction to it stop taking/using immediately.

**I am not a doctor nor am I in any type of biotanical school. These are just my personal opinions and should only be taken as such. Please do your own research before following any of mine.**


One day... One day...

One day I will get this blog back on track. It's more bloggy than it is educational (sorry).

I've just had so much going on.

Finally got my computer back, then I just completely forgot about this thing... then I partied/worked all weekend.... (When I work on the weekend those two go arm and arm.) And well... yeah. I slept Monday away because Sunday night I never slept.

Being single is very bad for me. I do evil things and then stress myself out of stupidity. I read too much into things or put myself in bad situations... and I drink too much. (way too much)

I'm friggin' 22 years old. I need to get my crap together. I don't want to be 30 going, "O yeah..." and the light comes on.

I'm feeling conflicted. My ex is well... my ex. Every time I think of her my stomach goes all wonky (not always in a good way) and I don't know if I could ever see myself with her again... and the more I talk to other girls... the less I see it happening. Not so much because of the other girls... but because I'm starting to realize I probably shouldn't be involved with anyone. (No matter how much I want to be)

I have a lot of hate. A ton of hate. Which is horrible. I don't hate her per se, but what she put me through... for so long. (Although the "so long" part is my fault, so therefore I hate myself... see... hate.) And I'm struggling with that. I'm trying to find my inner beauty again and this has been a very messy break up. Probably the most messy I've ever had to be involved in. It's really bad.

My craving for attention is getting to the point of being pathetic. Quite pathetic. I check my phone compulsively and of course no one has messaged me but Twitter updates. Pathetic.

I'm not ready for a relationship in any form. I'm aware of that... but I can't stop. I need to work out more. That's my answer for everything: The Gym. (Which is better than beer, right?) I need to focus on work and the gym.

I need.I need.I need.


This is all hopeful brainwashing on my part. Maybe I can get that stuff in my head.

(But no matter what I say... when I go to bed at night I hate being alone the most. My lack of cuddles are driving me bonkers)

Blessed Be,

Monday, February 22, 2010

Wiccan Word of the Week (WWW: Pentagram *pointing up*)

The Pentagram, which is usually famous for being an evil sign of Satan is actually quite passive and beautiful. For the purpose of this blog I will only write of the elements in reference to the pentagram, not as in calling a circle for they differ a great deal and it would just be too confusing trying to link them both equally and some of conflicts greatly. there will also be different answers for each element because there will always be different approaches to everything. Wiccans dwell in that gray area. Wiccans go with what feels right, not what is written in a book somewhere. Intuition is the only true guidance; everything else is purely a suggestion.

I will also break these down later on and link everything in this post so you can navigate through my blog via this post.

(For those that aren't aware: Wiccanism has nothing to do with Satan and we actually don't believe in Satan at all. No heaven or hell, so no one to dwell there either.)

Today I am going to speak of the Wiccan/Pagan Pentagram pointing North or upward. (The Pentagram pointing South or downward holds a different meaning entirely that most Wiccans don't recognize in their practice) The pentagram is also a symbol for humanity and to some point means self-improvement. Historically, a drawing of a person often is superimposed on the pentagram. (Like this)

Point: The top point, North, is the Spirit or deity.

Color: White/Purple
Alter Item: Chalice/Statue (as above)

Point: Going to the Right or East, the second point of the pentagram is the element Water.

: Blue
Alter Item: Chalice, bowl of water, Chalice full of water, a goldfish in a bag of water (I believe that was in the movie The Craft? lol)
Herbs: Elder Bark, Foxglove

Point: Keeping to the right, or South East the third point of the pentagram is the element Fire.

Color: Red
Alter Item: Dagger(Sword or Athame), a candle
Herbs: Hawthorne Shoots

Point: Now on the left side, or South West the forth point of the pentagram is the element Earth.

Color: Green, Brown or Black
Alter Item: Pentacle it's self, bowl of salt or soil, stones or gems.

Point: The East and the fifth point of the pentagram is the element Air.

Color: Yellow
Alter Item: Wand
Herbs: Eyebright, Dandelion

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

My Computer is Back!!!!!

Yay! It really, truly is back!!! I'm so excited!!!! :)

Tomorrow we should be back on track just like nothing ever happened.

Thank you, Steve!!
You did an awesome job patching up my baby well!!

It's so speedy and awesome now. haha!

Blessed Be,

Tuesday, February 9, 2010


I took a week off for mental recovery. I've had a.... rather trying month so far.

Just when I think I'm good to start blogging again... my computer craps out on me. So my friend Steve is looking at it and fixing it (For a small fee) so hopefully by next Monday I will be in full working order.

New Things:
I'm playing World of Warcraft again... I know... Booo me and all that... but I'm really going about it in a much healthier fashion. I am casually playing with people I know in RL on one server and playing on my original casually as well. It really helps that my old crowd has either moved on or just isn't on when I am able to be. That really helps with me just getting off whenever I feel I've been on long enough or I just get bored with it because I have no one to talk to.

Okay... so I know this is going to be really weird and kind of embarrassing to mention.. but I had really terrible dandruff there for quite some time. It started to get really bad the colder it got outside. We had a few bitter cold weeks and my scalp just really hated me for it. I refuse to use any chemically enhanced "This will fix it" stuff because usually the chemicals are worse for you than what it's trying to fix.

When I was in Alaska for awhile I had dandruff really bad because I was in a constant state of dried-out-ness. Once I moved back home (to NC) my scalp went back to normal and I never thought of it again... until this winter.

I was a receptionist in Alaska at a physical therapy office. I met a wide range of people. This one chick was a regular for a little while because she moved up and she managed to get hurt at her first job, forcing her into physical therapy. It was something minor.. a sprained ankle or wrist or something... just enough to need therapy for it to heal properly. Well, anyway... she was bitching about how much she hated the cold in Alaska and she had moved there from California because of a dude she was engaged to and blahblahblah. (Very similar to my perdiciment, just moved from different coast) and I mentioned that I got really bad dandruff and that had never happened to me before. This chick was prim-proper and rather snooty (well, she was nice to me when she realized I was in the same boat she was) and she goes, "I know this is really gross... and I usually do it when I don't have to go anywhere for a few hours... but... put Mayo in your hair and just let it sit for about an hour. Really massage it in and wrap a warm damp towel around your head with the mayo in it after you've made sure it's really on your scalp really good. Then wash it out like usual. It stinks really bad and is really gross... but it's what's keeping my hair healthy in this nasty ass place."

I was surprised and a little grossed out... but still amazed. I never got around to doing it because at the time I refused to eat Mayo at all and really didn't have any free personal time away from the people I lived with to be able to do it without locking myself in the bathroom for hours.

Well... I did it. Over the weekend I googled it. It's on over a thousand websites, the instructions all varying slightly on each.

Take 1 Cup of Mayo (or however much it'd take to coat your roots and hair very well)
Massage in scalp first, make sure it's REALLY in there REALLY well. Make sure to get the back of your head too. Just REALLY massage it in there. It stinks, really... stinks... and feels disgusting on your hands... but just get over that. I covered my entire head in it, because I figured why not?

I read to take a warm towel from the dryer and wrap your head with it, or just apply heat. I didn't do this because I pay quarters to dry my stuff... so I just skipped the towel part all together.

I sat there for 30mins (Because alot of the sites I read said 30/45mins as appose to the hour I was told by the patient at the physical therapy office)

After my 35ish minutes (I lost track of time) I got in the shower. I washed it out as I normally would. I could tell a difference before my hair was dried. It felt soft and healthy. Much healthier than usual. I still have some very small dandruff flakes, but they aren't noticeable at all and 95% better than the previous situation. Some websites said do it once a week until it's completely cured and then do it once a month as needed just to keep the shiny-healthy glow to it. So... I figure Saturday is my day until the flakes are 100% gone.

fyi: Hot water hitting mayo-hair will make you gag... so hold your breath the first 30secs... then it's fine. lol

So yeah... That's all I have to say for today.

Blessed Be,